Dont put words up in my mouth..

".... i didn't steal your boyfriend"-RIPPED from Ash.S
It's so pathetic how an over jealous girlfriend can turn psychotic.. Okay, maybe she didn't turn psycho but come on, quit messaging me in the middle of the night telling me how much you hate me spending too much time with him.. "Come on girl, get a life.. I need to sleep!!"

Yes girl, i know he's your boyfriend but i knew him way before you and him met.. He's like a brother to me, why the hell are you getting jealous.. Get a grip, i ain't gonna steal him from you.. I'm not even his type.. "Well i'm sorry, that he called me and that i answered the telephone..!"-RIPPED by Ash.S
So please stop messaging me in the middle of the night saying that i should stop being so close with him.. And yah, quit giving him problems.. Cause i'm the one he's gonna complain/talk to when you guys have a fight..
Anthony (not real name!) I love you bro but sometimes, your problems just bore me.. It's the same old thing over and over again.. I know you treasure our friendship and i know you "LOVE" that girlfriend of yours, but she's giving me a headache.. Just tell her to buzz off next time.. Don't worry bro, i'm here for you anytime.. Even if she don't like me, i don't care.. And i know you don't care too that's why you keep calling me even when you know she don't like it.. Winks.. AHakz.. K, tell your girlfriend that the next time my phone rings, it's better not be her or else..

Anywayz, in Lesson 3 APEL, the topic was "Purpose in life".. How appropriate, i was just thinking about mine.. Ahakz.. Well, obviously my CP started of with the negative comment.. "Have you ever wondered what your purpose in this life is?" "How many of you think that your purpose in life is just to live and then die?" "Did you all ever think that there's no purpose at all in you living this life" Bla blabla.. Ahakz, he took the words right out of my head.. Even after the lesson, i still can't find my purpose yet.. Am i weird or just pathetic?? Whatever..

Happy Birthday to Me...

I'm officially 19 today!! Thanx for everybody who wished me.. Those i reminded and those who remembered.. "Smiles! Thank you so much people.. I appreciate your wishes.. But where's my Nokia 6060??" Heez, just kidding babes and dudes.. Thanx to those who wished me at exactly midnight, a minute or two after that.. Those who called me at 3am in the morning when i was sleeping.. "Sorry Mikael.. I know you wanna talk to me but i was sleeping.. Sleepy lah dude.. Thanx for that birthday wish.. Ahakz, even though i reminded you about it (:P) Well, atleast you called me back and wished me.. Tee hee.. Anywayz, i also wanna talk to you but then you said you were hungry, so i went back to sleep lah.. No offence cutie"

And my classmates and lecture mates.. Well, not all, just some.. Ahakz.. Thanx okay!! Well basically, this post is just to thank everybody who wished me Happy Birthday and those who gave me gifts.. Not alot i might say.. Huh Huh Huh, you all budget izzit?? Chetz, never mind.. Ahakz.. K.. Thanx! Muackies to everybodies...

Since you've been gone..

I am sooo happy right now.. Okay, not happy.. Just that i smile alot more than i usually do and i laugh ALOT more.. Ahakz.. I'm so back to my own self  cause i, once again, am able to joke with my family.. "Smiles" I love them soo much.. Thanks you guys.. Tee hee.. And also not forgetting my two bestest galfriends, Suhaili and Hannah.. "you gals are the best! Muacks.."

Anywayz, i got sick today.. Just for a while.. Probably cause it was raining so heavily when i get up to go to school.. Bathe with cold water "brrrr" and of course, the rain somehow landed on me even when i'm using an umbrella.. And in the lecture theatre, i can't stop sneezing, sniffing and coughing.. Tee hee, i was wearing long sleeve, thick material top mind you, it's still soooo cold in there.. Too bad they can't adjust the aircon temperature, so i gotta bear with it.. I can't concentrate that much during lecture though.. My eyes were half closed and my head feel woozy.. So that's a sign that i'm gonna get sick.. Whatever.. It's the weekends, it's not that i have anything to do.. So what the heck.. :)
As it was raining, as usual.. I didn't go for the first lecture.. Hee.. I went in the showers at around 6:45am but i got out at 8:15am.. And i'm supposed to be out of the house by 8:00am if i wanna make it for DFund lecture.. But i mean come on, how izzit possible to iron your clothes, pack your books, touch up a little and get ready in just half an hour?! Can you tell me how anyone do that?! Ahakz, it's like i already took 10 mins to use my eyeliner.. Okay, i'm exaggerating but whatever it is, it's not possible for me to get ready everything in half and hour..
Anywayz, ahakz.. This cute guy.. Wait a minute.. Ahakz, i just realised that i didn't give this cute guy a name.. Let's name himmm Eric (not real name)? Ahakz.. Eric was so cute today.. Whatever.. I just find him cute, i dont like him though.. He looks so chinese-ish.. Ahakz, with those two fangs.. or "siung" as malays call it.. He's just so adorable.. Looks so humble, doesn't look the havoc type.. Whatever he ain't my type.. I'm looking for a fireman boyfriend.. Ahakz.. Yeah..
But then again, i already have this one guy name Ryan (not real name) to take care of.. He's my bestest friend in the whole wide world.. A great friend, a great brother and a great lover.. Ahakz, just kidding (erhm).. My family's gonna kill me if they read this.. They seriously will.. Oh well.. "Shrugs.. Love you dude" No.. we are not together as a couple.. so friends and family, dont ask! "Kuang kuang kuang!" It's complicated lah people, dont ask better k!

I've got my term test in 2 weeks time so i gotta study study study and more study.. So i got stress and Ryan's a good way to relieve me term test stress.. Ahakz, no people i'm not gonna tell you what we do.. "I'm gonna get get get you drunk, get you love drunk on my humps"- RIPPED from BEP.. I still ain't gonna tell.. "Muacks! It's our little secret, right handsome? Ahakz"
I still have to write my mission statement, the problem is.. I DONT HAVE A ROLE MODEL!!! I gottta start finding one.. right? Oh well, we'll see how it goesss.. Bye darlingzz..

The wicked end

Why is the SHOUT OUT section in my profile being refreshed every 2 or 3 days? Does it happen to anyone else or just to me?? Or did someone cleared it without my permission.. huh huh huh.. Whatever.. i guess, it's the same as people's thoughts, keep changing everyday.. But still, i need to know.. Ahakz, does it happen to everyone?

Anywayz, i had my test just now and let me tell you something, i totally flunked it.. Don't need to wait for my results cause i totally didn't do the 20 marks question.. It sucksss.. Serves me right for studying at the last minute.. Tee hee, i totally forgot that i'm supposed to have a test today.. But what's done is done.. And after that, i went back home.. Was exempted for EMath1, so it's cool.. Tee hee..

Well, i can cetainly say that somebody's on my mind lately.. No, not Mikael.. Okay okay, i wont lie.. Maybe a BIT.. a teeny tiny bit.. Ahakz.. but somebody else is definitely occupying my mind.. Kuang Kuang.. Anywayz, this Mikael thought me a new way of cutting myself.. Using a safety pin.. Ahakz, i didn't know it'll work until i saw his pictures with those cuts.. It's kinda nice.. I used mirror, broken glass, knives and pocket knives before but never pins.. Maybe i shoulld try? Whatever.. Ahakz..

Lip Gloss and Black Butterfly Clips

Another boring day in school.. Well, had APEL today and we go through our so called "Phishy Personality Test" that we took online. My teacher even took the trouble to print out the results for us.. Ha! Whatever.. He asked one by one about our so called "weakness" and somehow mine was 'unsympathetic'. And he still can ask me why.. How the hell am i gonna answer that, i was born like this.. i really am.. and he asked me how i can improve on that weakness of mine.. So i just answered "I dont intend to change anything about me". Well, he just looked at me and i smiled.. I guess he's expecting some other answer but i ain't gonna lie about it.. I dont wanna change myself and that's the truth.. And he told me to be more sensitive towards others.. he said "Maybe you should go to old folk's home or childrens' home or some charity function" Yeah right! Never in a million years.. I am cold and i admit that.. That's cause i dont want people to feel sorry for me, so why should i symphatize with other.. I am as able as all the normal people i know, so don't feel sorry for me..

And of course, this caring teacher of mine asked me why i've been wearing black to school.. Ahakz, i can't believe he noticed.. K i gotta admit he is a great care person, he really is.. But paying attention to what people wear..? Isn't that a bit too much? Oh well, whatever.. So, i just answered him what i answered my classmates and lecture mates "I'm mourning for my distorted life" Man! This care person must think i'm some troubled soul.. Well, i dont know.. Atleast i know somebody cared.. but it's no use, i ain't budging.. So, dont waste your time and effort to change me cause i ain't gonna change for people..

I still haven't done my mission statement.. That's cause the first question the survey asked was, "Who is your role model?" I don't have one.. I grew up without even knowing what a role model is so how the hell am i supposed to do that stupid assignment.. I dont have a role model, there's nobody who literally or technically touched my life enough for me to change it.. So, how do i find myself a role model? Whatever.. I have till the end of the semester to do it, so till then, i'm gonna find myself a role model.. Toodles

Buried myself alive on the inside

School was fine.. I got exempted for Engineering Mathematics1 but that doesn't mean it's a good thing. It's okay i guess, atleast i have more time to concentrate on other subjects right? I guess so.. Whatever

Guys, seriously.. i don't wanna mention names but you know who you are.. When i say no, means no! I dont want it okay? I dont care how much money you spent on me cause i ain't gonna accept anything from you.. Come on, let's be serious.. We both know what  YOU want but i ain't gonna give it to you.. You dont know me, you dont know what i went through and you dont know what i'm thinking so just leave those sweet talking craps to someone who cares cause i dont..

And you (yah, you know who you are).. I ain't gonna make it into a big deal cause you're my bestest friend and my longest guy pal.. So, please be respectful.. I dont want means i dont want, no point forcing me into doing something i dont want.. I have a lot of respect for you so please don't tarnish that reputation i have for you..

*Sigh* Why am i still thinking of him.. Let's give him a name.. Mikael (not real name k! ahakz) I'm still thinking of him.. Like a lot.. Anywayz, i've not been smiling much which i think everyone can see.. Eh whatever okay people, it's my life and i'll cry if i want to.. k?? Arghh.. whatever lah, i dont wanna share myself, it's my freaking business, dont give a heck about me okay.. I dont freaking need your hypocrisy(if there is such a work.. tee hee) Just mind you own freaking business and stay out of mine..

"STRESS! STRESS! STRESS!!!"

Thank you

This poetry somehow touched my heart.. I guess, it is part of the things that i've been feeling.. SO, i'd like to share it with everyone..

Thank you
In my life I have lost some things, twice.

I had forgotten how to smile,
how to see bit further, beyond this misery.

I had forgotten how to be happy,
how to trust anyone, give them power over me.

I had forgotten how to be me,
buried everything deep inside, hidden from others.


You taught me how to smile again,
to laugh without reason, to cry from the joy.

You taught me way to be myself,
made me reveal what I am, to give someone power
over me.

You taught me how to be happy,
to feel that warmth inside, to believe someone
cares.


Thank you for revealing my error again,
showing that path of tears lie in sorrow, not in joy.

Thank you for taking it all away,
making me to hide myself again, to trust no one.

Thank you for telling I am nothing,
pointing my place, to be outcast by my own
choice.

*taken from my Bulletin Board- posted by "ashes u leave"

She isn't real..

I'm happy with my life, i'm happy with my life.. I'm happy with my life.. That's what i tell myself every morning i wake up.. Well, they say even if you fake a smile, your brain won't know the difference and you will automatically feel better.. BULLSHIT! Whoever found this theory, may you turn in your grave..
I fake a smile everywhere i go, i DON'T feel better.. I feel worse. Why the hell am i supposed to act the way you people want me to.. If i dont wanna talk to you, then i dont wanna talk to you.. Dont label me as a "shy girl" cause i'm not.. And to my classmates, don't worry.. If i don't talk to you, it doesnt mean i dont like you, i just dont like people to know what's up in my life.. It's my problem and i'm dealing with it on my own.. SO, don't come to me and act all symphatetic, cause i dont need it.. And to the other people i do talk to, that doesnt mean i like you either.. But don't get me wrong, there are some of you who i generally like being friends with.. so, yeah dont judge me cause if you do, you wont know what hit you.. I am not as predictable as you people think i am..

I am supposed to write a mission statement for a school assignment and i was wondering how the hell i'm gonna do that.. I don't even know what to do with my life.. I dont even know what my purpose is in this world.. So, till then.. i'll just act dumb.. Toodles

It's me against the world

Your Primary Phishy Personality Factor is Powerful Swordtail, and its Key Characteristics and General Traits is summarised as follows: Key Characteristics Key Personality Preferences Active & Rational Key Value Displayed Power (Be In-Control) Key Motivator Achievements Key Concern Failure (Lack of Achievements) Key Emotion to be Harnessed Anger (e.g. Excess Rage) Key Complementing Values to be Nutured Compassion, Respect (including Humility), Cooperation, Integrity, Loyalty General Traits Potential Strengths Confident, Comfortable in Leading (Make things Happen), Competitve, Energetic, Enterprising, Risk-taking, Independent, Take Initiative, Self-Reliant, Adventurous, Strong-willed (Firm), Bold (Daring, Courageous), Decisive, Determined, Direct, Outspoken, Productive, Optimistic. Potential Check Points Jumpy (Hot or Short-tempered), Rash (Implusive, Careless, Over-Bold), Rude, Blunt (Tacyless, Direct w/o Tact), Impatient (Intolerant), Bossy (Compelling, Domineering, Dictating), Headstrong, Argumentative, Cold (Indifferent, Unsympathetic), Over-Forceful, Stubborn, Proud, Workaholic (Over-worked, Over-Loaded), Manipulative, Shallow (Superficial, Insincere), Unpunctual (Late for Appointments)

Your Secondary Phishy Personality Factor is Careful Goldfish, and its key characteristics and general traits are summarised as follows: Key Characteristics Key Personality Preferences Reflective & Rational Key Value Displayed Perfection (Precision & Accuracy) Key Motivator Principles (Rules) Key Concern Disorder (Lack of Plan or Policy) Key Emotion to be Harnessed Gloominess (e.g. Depression) Key Complementing Values to be Nutured Compassion, Initiative, Respect, Cooperation General Traits Potential Strengths Careful (Conscientious), Accurate (doing right the first time), Precise, Anaytical, Logical, Hard-working, Sensitive, Planner, Organised (Orderly, Timely, Scheduled, Systematic), Well-Mannered (Cultured), Disciplined, Compliant, Persistent, Detailed (Thorough, Meticulous), Loyal (Faithful), Gifted, Intellectual, Restrained (Self-Controlled), Comfortable with Facts and Figures Potential Check Points Fussy, Perfectionist to a fault, Over-Critical, Over-Suspicious (Sceptical), Over-Rigid (Policy must be adhered at all cost, inflexible), Over-Traditional (Conservative), Resentful (Bitter), Unforgiving (Revengeful), Difficult (hard to get along), Too Sensitive, Moody, Lonesome, Easily Depressed, Lacking in Humour, Uninvolved (Withdrawn), Not-Practical (Too Theoretical), Pessimistic

I had APEL1 in school just now, and we all have to take this so-called "Fish Personality Test". My results are as shown.. Well, i can say that it is somehow rather accurate.. Well, of course who am i to judge myself.. In this hypocritical world, your views dont matter... WHATEVER!

My love for you is everlasting

The title of the blog says it all..  Truthfully, i dont know if i'm over him or not.. I just realised that i'm still in love with him.. SO MUCH but what can i do? I guess he's already been seeing other girls and date. Maybe, probably.. I guess it's a yes.. And when i think about it, my heart just broke in two again.. I'm not gonna deny my feelings for him.. I know he dont feel the same way i do but it hurts me so much knowing that maybe there's someone else out there whose making him smile, laugh and do the things that he used to when he was with me..

Two or three days ago, he called me up suddenly.. And let me tell you something, i feel so estatic, knowing that he still thinks of me as a friend.. and he said he'll call me back, but will he? Am i too naive to be waiting for his calls when maybe and probably, he's talking to another person.. I dunno.. I may sound as if i dont care when he calls, but i was so glad and wish that time would never end.. I dunno if it's just a one time thing for him or he's gonna continue doing that.. Seriously, i'll do anything he want if it means that he'll call me again..

I miss him so much and i was wondering if he do miss me too, but am i being stupid in thinking that? Am i stupid thinking of him every minute of my days and dreaming of him every second in my dreams? If i am, then i dont care, i seriously am still in love with him.. I dont know how to block out these feelings, i really dont.. I tried forgetting about him, but i cant.. I thought i was strong but i'm weaker than i ever thought i am.. I miss you

Broken up, deep inside

Everybody lies.. I admit, i do lie.. But lying has taken its toll on me.. I made the biggest mistake by lying to somebody dear to me. Somebody that has been there for me even though he knew how dysfunctional my family is.. I made a HUGE mistake by lying to him, now i have to pay my price.. He seem so close but yet so distant.. I have a hard time moving on, but if us being strangers will make him happy, then i guess strangers we will be.. Yeah, i know i have to respect his decisions about him not wanting to have anything else to do with me.. but it's hard when you think about him the first thing you wake up every single morning and the last thing you think of everytime you go to sleep.. It really hard to move on, when my mom keeps talking about him.. Yah, my mom loves him but it's hard for me to tell my mom that we're no longer friends..

It's a big mistake on my part, and i dont expect him to forgive me so readily, but i dont want us to be cold towards each other. We may not be friends but i dont want us to be enemies either.. It's hard, it's really hard.. Especially, when he's moving on so smoothly and not caring about a single thing that happened.. I dont blame him though, i have to admit that the mistake is entirely my fault. Although i'm heartbroken, i have to keep it inside.. Yeah, it hurts but i deserve it..

If you're reading this, (you know who you are but i doubt you'll read it) I really want us to be friends again. You are my best friend, my confidante and my saviour. You were there for me every single time i have a problem. You dont complain even though i keep telling you the same stuffs over and over again. I made a mistake and i apologise a thousand times.. I know it will never be the same again, but it's hard to let you go.. The friendship means a lot to me.. Hell, you mean alot to me.. Even my mom says i'm stupid to have made the biggest mistake of my life.. My mom will never understand.. but she's right.. i am stupid.. I'm stupid for ever lying to you.. I'm stupid for ever playing you.. Now that i lost you, i admit.. You were the best thing that have ever happen to my life.. Even though it's only temporary, thank you for coming into my life. I dont regret a single second of my life when you were in it.. Thank you so much for being the best friend that i have ever had.. But now, i guess i have to wait.. Wait till the day comes when you accepts me back in your life.. Even if it takes forever.. Take care..

Yes people, i have learnt my mistake.. The hard way! I realise there's no such thing as a small lie.. All lies are a big deal. Never make the mistake that i did.. You'll never forgive yourself.. I will never forgive myself.. Never..

Now, all the dreams we had talked about..
                Is afterall, just a dream