Lip Gloss and Black Butterfly Clips

Another boring day in school.. Well, had APEL today and we go through our so called "Phishy Personality Test" that we took online. My teacher even took the trouble to print out the results for us.. Ha! Whatever.. He asked one by one about our so called "weakness" and somehow mine was 'unsympathetic'. And he still can ask me why.. How the hell am i gonna answer that, i was born like this.. i really am.. and he asked me how i can improve on that weakness of mine.. So i just answered "I dont intend to change anything about me". Well, he just looked at me and i smiled.. I guess he's expecting some other answer but i ain't gonna lie about it.. I dont wanna change myself and that's the truth.. And he told me to be more sensitive towards others.. he said "Maybe you should go to old folk's home or childrens' home or some charity function" Yeah right! Never in a million years.. I am cold and i admit that.. That's cause i dont want people to feel sorry for me, so why should i symphatize with other.. I am as able as all the normal people i know, so don't feel sorry for me..

And of course, this caring teacher of mine asked me why i've been wearing black to school.. Ahakz, i can't believe he noticed.. K i gotta admit he is a great care person, he really is.. But paying attention to what people wear..? Isn't that a bit too much? Oh well, whatever.. So, i just answered him what i answered my classmates and lecture mates "I'm mourning for my distorted life" Man! This care person must think i'm some troubled soul.. Well, i dont know.. Atleast i know somebody cared.. but it's no use, i ain't budging.. So, dont waste your time and effort to change me cause i ain't gonna change for people..

I still haven't done my mission statement.. That's cause the first question the survey asked was, "Who is your role model?" I don't have one.. I grew up without even knowing what a role model is so how the hell am i supposed to do that stupid assignment.. I dont have a role model, there's nobody who literally or technically touched my life enough for me to change it.. So, how do i find myself a role model? Whatever.. I have till the end of the semester to do it, so till then, i'm gonna find myself a role model.. Toodles

Buried myself alive on the inside

School was fine.. I got exempted for Engineering Mathematics1 but that doesn't mean it's a good thing. It's okay i guess, atleast i have more time to concentrate on other subjects right? I guess so.. Whatever

Guys, seriously.. i don't wanna mention names but you know who you are.. When i say no, means no! I dont want it okay? I dont care how much money you spent on me cause i ain't gonna accept anything from you.. Come on, let's be serious.. We both know what  YOU want but i ain't gonna give it to you.. You dont know me, you dont know what i went through and you dont know what i'm thinking so just leave those sweet talking craps to someone who cares cause i dont..

And you (yah, you know who you are).. I ain't gonna make it into a big deal cause you're my bestest friend and my longest guy pal.. So, please be respectful.. I dont want means i dont want, no point forcing me into doing something i dont want.. I have a lot of respect for you so please don't tarnish that reputation i have for you..

*Sigh* Why am i still thinking of him.. Let's give him a name.. Mikael (not real name k! ahakz) I'm still thinking of him.. Like a lot.. Anywayz, i've not been smiling much which i think everyone can see.. Eh whatever okay people, it's my life and i'll cry if i want to.. k?? Arghh.. whatever lah, i dont wanna share myself, it's my freaking business, dont give a heck about me okay.. I dont freaking need your hypocrisy(if there is such a work.. tee hee) Just mind you own freaking business and stay out of mine..

"STRESS! STRESS! STRESS!!!"

Thank you

This poetry somehow touched my heart.. I guess, it is part of the things that i've been feeling.. SO, i'd like to share it with everyone..

Thank you
In my life I have lost some things, twice.

I had forgotten how to smile,
how to see bit further, beyond this misery.

I had forgotten how to be happy,
how to trust anyone, give them power over me.

I had forgotten how to be me,
buried everything deep inside, hidden from others.


You taught me how to smile again,
to laugh without reason, to cry from the joy.

You taught me way to be myself,
made me reveal what I am, to give someone power
over me.

You taught me how to be happy,
to feel that warmth inside, to believe someone
cares.


Thank you for revealing my error again,
showing that path of tears lie in sorrow, not in joy.

Thank you for taking it all away,
making me to hide myself again, to trust no one.

Thank you for telling I am nothing,
pointing my place, to be outcast by my own
choice.

*taken from my Bulletin Board- posted by "ashes u leave"

She isn't real..

I'm happy with my life, i'm happy with my life.. I'm happy with my life.. That's what i tell myself every morning i wake up.. Well, they say even if you fake a smile, your brain won't know the difference and you will automatically feel better.. BULLSHIT! Whoever found this theory, may you turn in your grave..
I fake a smile everywhere i go, i DON'T feel better.. I feel worse. Why the hell am i supposed to act the way you people want me to.. If i dont wanna talk to you, then i dont wanna talk to you.. Dont label me as a "shy girl" cause i'm not.. And to my classmates, don't worry.. If i don't talk to you, it doesnt mean i dont like you, i just dont like people to know what's up in my life.. It's my problem and i'm dealing with it on my own.. SO, don't come to me and act all symphatetic, cause i dont need it.. And to the other people i do talk to, that doesnt mean i like you either.. But don't get me wrong, there are some of you who i generally like being friends with.. so, yeah dont judge me cause if you do, you wont know what hit you.. I am not as predictable as you people think i am..

I am supposed to write a mission statement for a school assignment and i was wondering how the hell i'm gonna do that.. I don't even know what to do with my life.. I dont even know what my purpose is in this world.. So, till then.. i'll just act dumb.. Toodles

It's me against the world

Your Primary Phishy Personality Factor is Powerful Swordtail, and its Key Characteristics and General Traits is summarised as follows: Key Characteristics Key Personality Preferences Active & Rational Key Value Displayed Power (Be In-Control) Key Motivator Achievements Key Concern Failure (Lack of Achievements) Key Emotion to be Harnessed Anger (e.g. Excess Rage) Key Complementing Values to be Nutured Compassion, Respect (including Humility), Cooperation, Integrity, Loyalty General Traits Potential Strengths Confident, Comfortable in Leading (Make things Happen), Competitve, Energetic, Enterprising, Risk-taking, Independent, Take Initiative, Self-Reliant, Adventurous, Strong-willed (Firm), Bold (Daring, Courageous), Decisive, Determined, Direct, Outspoken, Productive, Optimistic. Potential Check Points Jumpy (Hot or Short-tempered), Rash (Implusive, Careless, Over-Bold), Rude, Blunt (Tacyless, Direct w/o Tact), Impatient (Intolerant), Bossy (Compelling, Domineering, Dictating), Headstrong, Argumentative, Cold (Indifferent, Unsympathetic), Over-Forceful, Stubborn, Proud, Workaholic (Over-worked, Over-Loaded), Manipulative, Shallow (Superficial, Insincere), Unpunctual (Late for Appointments)

Your Secondary Phishy Personality Factor is Careful Goldfish, and its key characteristics and general traits are summarised as follows: Key Characteristics Key Personality Preferences Reflective & Rational Key Value Displayed Perfection (Precision & Accuracy) Key Motivator Principles (Rules) Key Concern Disorder (Lack of Plan or Policy) Key Emotion to be Harnessed Gloominess (e.g. Depression) Key Complementing Values to be Nutured Compassion, Initiative, Respect, Cooperation General Traits Potential Strengths Careful (Conscientious), Accurate (doing right the first time), Precise, Anaytical, Logical, Hard-working, Sensitive, Planner, Organised (Orderly, Timely, Scheduled, Systematic), Well-Mannered (Cultured), Disciplined, Compliant, Persistent, Detailed (Thorough, Meticulous), Loyal (Faithful), Gifted, Intellectual, Restrained (Self-Controlled), Comfortable with Facts and Figures Potential Check Points Fussy, Perfectionist to a fault, Over-Critical, Over-Suspicious (Sceptical), Over-Rigid (Policy must be adhered at all cost, inflexible), Over-Traditional (Conservative), Resentful (Bitter), Unforgiving (Revengeful), Difficult (hard to get along), Too Sensitive, Moody, Lonesome, Easily Depressed, Lacking in Humour, Uninvolved (Withdrawn), Not-Practical (Too Theoretical), Pessimistic

I had APEL1 in school just now, and we all have to take this so-called "Fish Personality Test". My results are as shown.. Well, i can say that it is somehow rather accurate.. Well, of course who am i to judge myself.. In this hypocritical world, your views dont matter... WHATEVER!

My love for you is everlasting

The title of the blog says it all..  Truthfully, i dont know if i'm over him or not.. I just realised that i'm still in love with him.. SO MUCH but what can i do? I guess he's already been seeing other girls and date. Maybe, probably.. I guess it's a yes.. And when i think about it, my heart just broke in two again.. I'm not gonna deny my feelings for him.. I know he dont feel the same way i do but it hurts me so much knowing that maybe there's someone else out there whose making him smile, laugh and do the things that he used to when he was with me..

Two or three days ago, he called me up suddenly.. And let me tell you something, i feel so estatic, knowing that he still thinks of me as a friend.. and he said he'll call me back, but will he? Am i too naive to be waiting for his calls when maybe and probably, he's talking to another person.. I dunno.. I may sound as if i dont care when he calls, but i was so glad and wish that time would never end.. I dunno if it's just a one time thing for him or he's gonna continue doing that.. Seriously, i'll do anything he want if it means that he'll call me again..

I miss him so much and i was wondering if he do miss me too, but am i being stupid in thinking that? Am i stupid thinking of him every minute of my days and dreaming of him every second in my dreams? If i am, then i dont care, i seriously am still in love with him.. I dont know how to block out these feelings, i really dont.. I tried forgetting about him, but i cant.. I thought i was strong but i'm weaker than i ever thought i am.. I miss you