Baby believe me, my patience is running on empty..

You all know how it's like right, being in love.. You love him, he loves you.. TRULY and REALLY.. Nothing can touch that chemistry, nothing can break that relationship..

Well I'm not here to talk about that..

I think by now everyone knows about Ryan and me.. Haha, i don't know how but you guys know.. Maybe i make it too obvious, whatever it is, you guys are good!

Well, people who have my MSN and often chat with me may have seen the type of PM i have..

"Back off Bitch!" and "Your son's with the tattoos, and I'm the bad influence??" or "Fuck off bitch, I'm sleeping with your son!"

I think all the should give you a brief idea on why I'm so pissed.. Not with Ryan, but with his mom.. She's such a bitch.. She HATES me, not dislike but HATE.. I mean, come one.. I treat her with respect cause maybe someday she'll become my mother-in-law *hint hint Ryan haha*.. Yah, i know I'm no angel but calling me a bad influence is totally uncalled for..

Does she realized the her son has tattoos all over his body? No lack in piercing and definitely not a virgin!? She's either being very ignorant or just in denial!! She have to accept the fact that her PRECIOUS son is growing up and not a baby anymore! "Hello! He's 23, not 3.. Stoopid!"

I have no idea why she called me a bad influence.. "Look at my damn face bitch!" So sweet, so innocent.. How can i be a bad influence..

Yesterday was the icing on the cake for me.. She was being rude.. Sarcastic to the extend of being RUDE!! Ryan and me are very touchy and very lovey dovey.. Her rolling her eyes to our affection was so ergh! I have no words to explain how I'm feeling! That's not the only thing.. She keeps 'inspecting' Ryan's phone to see what kinda messages i sent him.. How many times i call him or how long he's on the phone with me! For goodness sake, i feel like I'm walking on thin ice which may crack anytime and anywhere..

She keeps checking in on us every 5 mins, every single hour.. VERY FRUSTRATING! Okay, so I'm the room with Ryan but we will NEVER do anything that is disrespectful with them in the house.. Why can't she get that?? Why does she hate me so much?? The weird thing is, Ryan's dad is okay with the relationship, even gave us his blessings..

She keeps talking about this girl that she wants Ryan to date.. INFRONT OF ME! "Hello!! I can hear you!" She wears a tudung, but so what?? She smokes, she gossips, and she's such a snake.. She acts one way infront of you, but talk about you behind your back.. I bet, she doesn't even pray!

I mean, how do you think i felt when the mother of the person you love most talk about a person who is DEFINITELY worse than you infront of you for your beloved boyfriend to date?!

Yah, i know!! I gave her THE finger.. She's lucky that she just got the finger cause i can be VERY abusive.. In words and in action..

I wouldn't be accounted for if one day she falls down the freaking stairs and break her back.. *Smiles*

To Az

Az,

Oh my goodness, i know i was a bitch last night.. Have always been but yesterday i was an even bigger bitch.. I think i was feeling lethargic and i get irritated easily, but it's no reason for me to blow up at you.. You didn't do anything wrong at all, but i made it as if it was your fault!

Let me tell you that, it is not your fault.. I was being very mean last night to you.. I think you were there and there's no one for me to vent my anger on except you!

It was totally unacceptable and i know you're upset about it.. You don't have to tell me, i know you are..

Oh gosh, you know i don't apologize to people even when it is my fault.. But i really wanna apologize to you cause you've been there for me everytime.. Even when i tell you about my life story, you didn't judge me.. You're also the only one happy about my relationship with Ryan..

I really don't know what to say right now, except that I'm really really sorry.. And i won't make fun of you and Atikah again! I swear, I'll support your decision of being wit her.. *Just don't forget about me lah!*

Ha, okay Az.. I really sincerely apologize cause seriously speaking i don't wanna lose a good friend, a brother because of my stupid mood swings.. Do forgive me, I'm sincere!

Once again.. AZ, DO FORGIVE ME!

The water gets too deep for me to breathe..

Call me sensitive or what, but i can tell if someone GENUINELY care about me.. For now, i don't really feel it from anybody..
Even from Ryan, yeah i do know he cares for me but sometimes he acts as if he HAVE to do it.. Then again, maybe it's just me..

I guess it's just in my head! He's been there through my dark times and he's still there, picking me up piece by piece.. Though some pieces of the puzzle doesn't fit, it doesn't matter.. I'm becoming whole again.. I can be me again.. And all i need is him by my side, having my back, being down the bottomless pit to help me up when i fall.. With time, I'll be the Arynne everyone used to know and probably love.. It's hard, it's just so hard cause i still mourn for my life.. I feel sorry for my life..

Yes, i can be a little clingy at times or something but i can assure you that sometimes, i don't realize it myself.. I'm so tired of taking care of myself all these while and it's nice being taken care off and being loved.. NOBODY will ever get it.. I may have told a couple of people about my situation, but i don't think they really understand what i actually went or is going through.. I don't blame them though cause some people just have it all..

I'm telling you right now..

I'M FUCKING BREAKING DOWN, I NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP! EVERYTHING'S JUST FALLING APART! WHEN?! WHEN WILL SOMETHING GOOD HAPPEN TO ME!? CALL ME SELFISH BUT FOR ONCE THIS IS ALL ABOUT ME! NOT ABOUT YOU, ANY OF YOU! I'M NICE TO EVERYONE BUT WHERE DOES THAT GET ME? NOWHERE, THEY LEAVE.. THEY LEFT, ONLY COMING BACK WHEN THEY NEED SOMETHING! KEEP THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME! I DON'T NEED YOUR FUCKING SYMPATHY.. SINCERE OR NOT, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME! I DON'T NEED ANY OF YOU TO TELL ME WHAT I CAN OR CANNOT DO! I DON'T NEED ANYONE TO TELL ME THAT I'M FINE, CAUSE I'M NOT! YOU DON'T KNOW ME SO DON'T JUDGE ME! FUCK YOU! GET LOST!

Whatever Bitch!

                     Ryan's mom HATES me!

I DON'T care cause it's a MUTUAL feeling..

I LOVE RYAN AND NOBODY CAN STOP ME!

Thank you!

Ex-convicts are intimidatingly cool..

So what if one have a bad past? So what if one have tattoos all over his body?? Or so what if one was an ex-convict?? Does that really make him less of a human being? Why is it so hard for people to accept them as they are?

Those who know my problem right now will know what I'm actually talking about..

I love my mom, i really do but she can be downright unreasonable.. She don't mind if my boyfriend has a kid as long as he's a nice person.. When it comes to tattoos, she totally go a 180 degrees..

Everyone of you knows that my Ryan has tattoos all over himself.. His past was dark, i agree but i can NEVER say that his future is bleak.. He has a car, a stable job, a very supportive family and not to mention, a very full savings account.. Hey, if not for the fact that he has tattoos and a criminal record, he could be the PERFECT guy a girl would wanna introduce to the parents to..

Except for mine.. My mom will never allow me to go out with someone with tattoos, not even a small teeny weeny one.. I love my mom and everything, but Ryan is MY choice.. She have this thinking that people with tattoos don't make good parent.. Hey, my mom is a fun person, crazily outgoing but when it comes to religion, she's a puritan!

You have no idea how i disagreed with her views.. I know alot of people with tattoos who have kids, guess what?! They turn out well! Some even have high paying jobs!

She judging the Ryan now with the kind of past he had is very unfair and not to mention DISCRIMINATING!!

If my mom disapprove of me marrying Ryan.. I'll just cohabit with him and have kids..

"Do you really want that, mom??"

Why don't you do something?!

"Yes boy, this post is for you.. Most probably you won't be reading this but if any of your friends read it, I'm sure they'll pass the message to you.."

You know i see you looking at me.. Everytime i turn to see, you look away.. I hear your friends talk, and no I'm not stupid.. Ignorance is bliss.. I may pretend i don't see or hear anything, but i know everything.. 

STOP pretending as if you're not interested, i know you do boy.. STOP stealing glances and staring.. If you want me, say something.. If you want me, do something.. It doesn't help just looking from the corner of your eye and turning away when i notice you peeking.. Standing there and letting your friends tease you about it isn't the way..

Talk to me, be close to me..

Keep your hand's off my guy!

Leave him alone!

Whatever's MINE, will NEVER be yours!

Back off, bitch!

Ryan's MINE!

All the things she said..

I saw her going through the door, into the room.. That familiar scent, her hair, her eyes.. That button nose, and of course that sweet innocent little face.. Our eyes met, she smiled and i just melted.. That cute perky voice never fails to ease me of the bad day I'm having..

She, giving me little compliments was the highlight of my day, every Thursdays.. Haha, her soft laughter and that look she have in her eyes just make me go weak in the knees..

I know not many people will be open and honest about this.. They definitely wouldn't write this in their own blog.. But i can tell you this.. This account isn't hacked, this is me.. I'm writing all this..

The first time i saw her, there's just something about her smile.. After that day, i can't wait to see her.. Something so captivating about her looks.. I can truly say that she's not the typical hot girl that i always have crushed on, neither is she fair-skinned.. I just keep thinking about her, wanting to see her..

This is it.. My lesbian crush with a girl in school..