There's always gonna be another mountain....

Ever since i was younger, i never understood when someone said, "He/She keeps me grounded". I never understood why someone needs someone else to make them be themselves, to make them stay sane.

Probably because i never really trusted anyone before. I've always depended on myself to keep me safe, to keep me on a low profile. I never needed anyone to keep me "grounded". Infact, i never needed anyone for anything.

It's no big secret that my parents got separated way before i even know what's going on, and the divorce finalize when i was 12. Yeah sob story, got over it. So whether i like it or not, i had to grow up, leaving behind a very fulfilling childhood.

I do love my childhood. I miss my childhood. I didn't have to care about anything, i didn't have to think about anything. School was just school, nothing really bothersome. I didn't even think about guys. All i wanted to be, was a kid. I miss those trouble-free times and just living in the moment.

Anyway, that's a different story.

As i was saying, i never really depended on anyone because i don't trust a lot of people. Linsy was there, yeah, but she was afterall, still a kid just like me. It took me a long time to trust Linsy's parents with my life cause they too have their own issues, which I'm not gonna bring up.

So basically, i only have myself.

I don't trust people cause i know how people can hurt you. I don't trust people cause i see how people can hurt you. It's damaging when a 12 year old girl have to go through that kind of trauma in life, and having choose to grow up and pick a path in life that they want to follow.

I don't know if I'm making any sense. But the reason i don't trust people is because they never gave me a reason to trust them. They never showed me enough actions for me to trust them. So i just trusted myself.

Even so, sometimes i don't even trust myself, cause i know I'm still young and it's hard to come up with a decision without having to go through experiences in life.

So i guess that's why I'm a little rebellious especially when it comes to restrictions and discipline, cause i never have to ask anyone about what i wanna do when i was younger. I did things that pleased me, even if it's wrong in any one's eyes.

I actually don't know where I'm going with this as it's such an impromptu post. So bear with me.

I know i have a loud and dominant personality, which i don't know is a good thing or a bad thing. I guess it could be a bad thing cause you don't care about what people think and you do things as you please, and sometimes it's not of your moral beliefs. I guess i could say, it could lead to very damaging lifestyle if i let myself go.

I know I'm jumping from one topic to another but it's all related somehow.

After a few years of being with Linsy's family, i guess i learn to accept people and learn to open up more. So trust naturally comes in. But it wasn't easy for me to trust Linsy, or people in general. I felt that somehow people will start to change and they'll leave.

But i can say that Linsy and her family really kept me rooted to the ground. Finally i understood what they meant when they say they needed someone to keep them sane. I'm not ashamed to say that I've made some bad choices in life, hung out with the wrong crowd, and sometimes even push away great people.

My trust issue is really bad. It comes to a point where i get paranoid cause i just can't trust them. I want to, but i can't. I don't know if you guys know what i mean when i said, i CAN'T.

People think it's normal but i don't think it is. I don't think it's normal not to fully trust someone who you've known for years and have always backed you up in every single thing you do. I don't think it's normal not to fully trust someone who have been there for you every step of the way. I don't think it's normal to let all these paranoia stop you from trusting people.

I don't know how to let go of my past, infact I'm not letting go. And i don't know if it's that holding on to the past that is making me feel this way about people.

I'm learning so hard to trust people, but everytime i do, they hurt me. Badly. So I'm thinking if it's a good thing not trusting people, that way you won't get. But i also realized that, by not trusting people, you're basically living an empty life.

I know i still have issues, and pretty messed up but I'm trying to have a "Live and let live" attitude. People always see me as being someone optimistic, and positive. I won't deny that i do like to see the glass as half full, cause to me, if you can't change it then there's no point worrying about it. But once in a while, i do get depressed, i do get sad, and those are the times when i know i need someone i can trust.

So yes, i would like to seriously thank Linsy and family for making me stay down to earth and not let my personality become too overpowering, which i know it can be. And my girls (Rehan, Sikin, Suhaili, Hannah), for always being there no matter how busy you are.

And to Phil. Baby, I'm sorry if it seems like i don't believe what you said sometimes. I'm sorry if i question alot of your words. I just need you to know that I'm trying my hardest to let go and forget about what you did. I do trust you, so you don't need to worry about that. I just need time to FULLY trust you again. Action speaks louder than words babe, and i know you're trying your hardest to prove to me that you can be trusted again. So i appreciate you making the effort. I do still love you, and i very much care about you, so let's just both put in the same amounts of effort into making this work, cause i know i can't make this work on my own.

Love you people to blitz and thanks for sticking around, no matter how much i tend to annoy the hell out of you. And friends, i hope this post explains why i don't open up myself fully sometimes.

Till then! Toorah.