Thought of the day: Who's to blame?

I'm just gonna put it out there and make this post short so i don't side track to other stories.

So, lets get personal.

I don't know about you, but i don't like to like someone. I mean, i don't like the feeling of liking someone. Don't get me wrong, if i told you that i like you then it's highly true. I just don't like how it's making me feel.

I get to two extremes of the situation.

I don't know if "distant" is the right word to use, but i get very fearful when someone i like shows interest back. I mean, there's mutual feelings involved right? I get scared. Just in case that person loses interest because of me being "fearful" or "distant".

Does that make sense to you?

Of course i'd appreciate it if the guy i like take the effort to prove to me that not every guy is the same, but how much effort does the person need to put in before he leaves after realizing that i may or may not be putting in that same amount of effort?

You know what i mean? Am i making sense? I feel like i am but at the same time i am not.

I am afraid to open up to someone just in case he turns out to be just like any other guys i have dated in the past. I feel like i push people away the moment i feel like things are getting too serious or if i'm falling too fast or too deep for that person.

I know what you people are gonna say. It is normal not to trust people and that trust should be earned and all that bullshit i have heard before. It is so hard for me to explain to you guys the degree of my fear.

I don't know if it's the fear of commitment or the fear of abandonment that's making me feel this way.

I mean, i do prefer long term relationships, that's what i live for. I don't like short relationships cause i feel like once i like someone, i don't mind investing my whole feelings for that person. It's just that when i feel like the relationship is going where we have planned it to be, i get scared. I get the feeling that things are moving too fast, that bad things are gonna happen.

It usually does cause i feel like i screw things up by pushing that person away and then he'll leave. It's like i am too afraid to let my guard down to even try to see if that person is worth letting my guard down over.

I've been treated pretty badly in some of my past relationships and the thing is, i let them treat me that way cause i feel like i don't deserve better than what i got at the current moment. I know i do deserve so much better than being lied to, cheated on or played on, but when i think about all the stupid things i do to push people away whenever i feel "fearful", i get insecure about the relationship as a whole.

I don't know if it's my trust issues cause i don't mind being rejected. It's just the leaving after all the things that we have gone through and the feelings that are gonna get hurt that's making me really scared of having a relationship.

It's so hard for me explain to you guys how i feel cause i'm not even sure what's going on with me.

That's the predicament i have at the moment. How do i explain all the above to this guy that i'm interested in without him running away? I don't want him to think that i'm being distant cause i do like him, but at the same time i don't want him to see how insecure i can get when i fall hard and make him leave.

Suggestions?