I'm about to blow, i don't think you know..

Tomorrow is a start of a new school year. New semester, new teachers, new subjects, or even new classmates.. Tell you the truth, I'm still in a holiday mood and I'm not ready to go to school yet! All the nagging of the teacher's, homework being shoved at our faces.. Rushed assignments, common tests.. Such chaos shouldn't be given to us on Hari Raya eve! Oh by the way, i got into Sociology class.. I hope it rock as hard as my psychology class.. Tee hee..

Well, was spring cleaning with my mom when suddenly my phone rang.. Guess who it was! You guessed it! That hot emo dude, Alex! Haha, you have no idea how excited i was, i think my voice was shaking a bit.. Jeesh, what is wrong with me!? Like seriously, whenever i see an emo punk dude that i think is really hot, I'll get all weak in the knees.. This have got to stop..

Anywayz, Alex wanted to hang out and of course i said yes.. Haha, who wouldn't say yes to him! Whatever.. He was jamming with his band mates so i kinda tagged along.. They told me to sing but of course, i said no.. I can't sing, i mean i can sing but not good.. I'm a terrible singer! If my life depended on my singing voice, i might as well commit suicide.. Kinda weird though, my family is full of singers but i guess i missed the singing genes.. Why does everything have got to skip me? My daddy's artistic skills, my family's singing genes, and my mom's big eyes genes! Grr, why why why! Haha, but whatever you know.. I love myself and it's all good! Hua hua..

I learn a new thing about Alex! He plays the guitar.. Woo, I'm a sucker for guitar players.. Most guys I'm interested in or ever dated plays the guitar.. Mikael plays the guitar, Ryan, Tim (my other ex), etc etc.. Now Alex is the new addition to my list of hot guitar players..

I think Alex's band mates knows that i have a crush on him cause they left Alex and me alone in the freaking room. "Gee, thanx alot you guys, i appreciate it.. " *rolls eyes* Yes people, I'm being sarcastic.. I mean, come on.. How could they do this to me?! I get a little shy when I'm near someone i like, and i think i might have blushed a little when he's talking. I kinda liked the attention he gave me.. Which girl doesn't like attention right? Well we kinda talked for a while, and he gets a little touchy.. Okay, not a little but ALOT! I don't know where he heard about my neck being my sweet spot but hey, i ain't complaining.. His lip ring got kinda chilled in the air-conditioned room and it send chills down my spine when he kissed my neck.. Jeesh, what's up with guys and the neck move.. He kinda got cheeky and start whispering stuffs to me.. I've got to say he's pushing all the right buttons.. I like it! Haha.. We kinda got in the moment and with all the stuffs going on, i guess it's appropriate.. We got into a lip lock, not just a peck mind you.. Like a full on tonsil hockey, with tongues and all.. Haha, i didn't wanna stop seriously but I'm not gonna get into details about what we did after that.. *winks winks*

Well anywayz, the band mates caught us hanky pankying around.. I think i was beet red when they caught us red-handed but who the hell cares.. Hua hua.. The sweet thing is, Alex gave me a kiss when i was leaving.. "That's nice Alex.. I like you.. I mean, i had a great day with you.." Haha..

Whatever you know, it's nice not being in a relationship. I can be my old self again.. Do what i used to do, with whoever i want and not hurt anyone in the process.. "Welcome back Arynne!"

Emos are human too..

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

A post to Angel.. read this!

Jeesh, i don't know what the big fuck is, you know.. I mean, it was just harmless fun.. I don't know why people keep attacking me about what Ryan did.. It was just a joke, get over it.. It's not as if i sleep around or anything..

"You know what Angel, i don't know what you're so upset about.. We were on a break! You can't judge me for what i did during that time! What about you.. You say you don't flirt around, didn't play behind my back, this and that but only God (whichever one exists, i don't really care) knows what you really did..

You put me in a spot, you know that.. You know how i felt for you, but you don't really care, do you? Here's one person i really like and wanna be with but he hurt me so much when he said his feelings for me changed.. Saying that, you offer no more explanations or whatsoever and you expect me to know what you mean? I've always thought you were a more sensible person after knowing how screwed up your exs were.. You promised not to hurt me, but you did.. I hopefully thought we could work things out but after you said that, the situation took a turn for the worse, didn't it?

I didn't think of our relationship, or what was left of our relationship, to just be a summer fling or holiday fun for me.. I honesty thought that it would be much longer.. Not to the extend of settling down, but much longer than just one and a half month.. What do you expect me to do? Sit down, do nothing and cry for you.. I did okay.. Ask Sally, i did cry for you.. You have no idea how much it hurts me saying those words.. But what's the point of begging you not to leave if you don't wanna be with me..

Since you feel trapped and tormented, then what's the point of me asking you to stay? Why won't you answer me? You never did.. Now, you judge me for something that possibly won't happen again.. Ryan Ryan Ryan, is that you can attack me for? So it's all my fault then that our relationship blows, huh??

You keep saying we have a problem, but you never want to talk about it.. You isolate yourself and leave me alone to wonder to questions which i will never get answers to.. You say I'm being unfair to you, but are you being fair to me by making me feel alone and threatened?? What's the point of making a relationship work if you can't talk to me about the problems WE'RE having..

Just think what you want.. I know i tried to make the relationship work.. I did, i really did.."

I'm so over that dude..

"When you start caring for someone so much, you'll get scared of losing that person and even the most secure person will get insecure.." Make sense, doesn't it? You see, Angel never understood how he and the relationship affected me..

Truthfully, i never saw how incompatible we were before problems starts appearing.. Come to think of it, i don't think we know one another well enough to know if we're perfect for each other.. Of course, the first few weeks of relationship is sweet as it's the 'honeymoon period' but after that, problems after problems started to pile up and it's so huge that someone have to end it.. I have my attitude problems and my tantrums, while he.. Just plain egoistic.. What's done is done you know.. Whatever, get over it..

I don't know about you girls, but i DO NOT want to be with someone who have no more feelings for me.. Even if he says he's TRYING his best to fix US, once someones feelings have changed towards you, there's is NO point in even TRYING.. You get what i mean? Yeah okay so he have his issues to work on, but it's selfish for him to make me wait when he offers no explanations as to WHY he's acting that way.. I wouldn't put the whole blame on him anyway, cause i guess it is too my fault..

Anywayz, i think it's no secret anymore that me and Angel are no longer together.. I mean, with both of us being stubborn it's bound to happen right? Of course i was sad.. Did i cry? Let's be honest, which girl wouldn't? Yeah i did, for about TEN SECONDS and after that i was surprisingly alright.. I do miss him and think about him sometimes but i keep myself busy from having those kinda thoughts.. "What's the point of thinking about him when you know he's not doing the same thing?" Keep that in mind and you'll be fine.. Hey, I'm feeling great with all my friend around me, giving me support.. Seriously though, i don't think the relationship is long enough to have an impact on me.. I thought i will feel devastated and crushed, but well, I'm not.. Thank you very much friends..

Been going out late at night for the past few days.. Just hanging out with Ryan and the rest of the gang.. Well, I've been talking about Ryan right.. This hot guy with tattoos and piercings.. Big, tall, good with hands and got good tongue.. Haha, yeah the guy that like me.. Well i like him too actually but the reason why i rejected him is because i treasure the friendship too much to risk losing it.. I mean, if we ever breaks up, i don't think the friendship will ever be the same.. Agreed? But i think i should give him the date i promised him that is long overdue.. "Yes Ryan, i accept your date.. Surprise me okay! You know how i LOVE surprises.." Haha he's pretty cheeky too.. He knows how i love playing with ice and that my neck is my weakest spot.. "Okay Ryan, i admit it.. I love the thing you did.." Yeah, he actually have ice in his mouth when he was nibbling and biting on my neck.. Haha, the sensation just flows down your spine and it's a nice feeling.. Girls you get what i mean? Tee hee..

Went to my cousin house for break fast yesterday.. After break fast, we were just chilling and talking.. I loved what Lisa (my cousin's girlfriend) did to her hair! Violet told me to do it too since my hair is all layered and stuffs, but i refused to colour my hair again! I used to have jet black hair but I've been colouring it so much that my black hair just refused to return.. Regret colouring it man! Sheesh! Anyway, Violet called me 'belo' cause i tried to straighten my already super straight hair.. I was like "Eh, why no difference.." The answer was so obvious and that was why i got called 'retarded' by my cousin.. After that played Monopoly and watch 'Prison Break' before i went home to chill with myself.. Haha

My friends are the best.. Firstly i would of course like to thank Sally! She's the best.. She's the first one there for me to talk to and actually listened to me cried.. "Welcome to the club.. AGAIN", she said.. Truth be told, I'm so glad to be in the club again and i may actually gonna be in there for quite a while.. Haha.. "Sally Sally, you're the only person who actually convinced me that being single is so much better.." Well, what more can i ask for.. I have a girlfriend who will never complain about me bitching about the same guy problems over and over again.. Who's actually there comforting me even if it's like two in the morning.. "Love you Sally!"

OJ and Violet.. Of course, my two favourite cousins.. OJ is actually my cousin's boyfriend but they're always together that i practically thought of him as my 'cousin-in-law'.. I think they should just get married since they're hopelessly in love with each other.. Haha, weird..
OJ is a great guy.. "You rock lah dude!" He knows that I'm actually looking for that perfect someone who will sweep me off my feet, but he made a very good point.. "Don't look for it, just let it happen.." He's actually right you know.. I think the more you keep looking for 'THE ONE', the longer it will take for you to find him.. Well, I'm not looking alright but I'll definitely keep my eyes open for that potential 'Sir KillsAlot'.. "Thanx eh dude for rubbing it in my face, about me screwing up my relationship with Mikael.."

Mikael is my ex.. I have to say he is a much better boyfriend to me than Angel ever was.. I did the stupidest mistake by fucking up the relationship.. He's being the nicest by forgiving me and still treat me like a bestfriend.. He's a perfect boyfriend actually, only on occasion where he'll pick soccer and friends over you but it's totally not his fault.. Past relationship aside, he's a really great friend.. Even now, he'll listen to my problems without judging.. "Thanx for accompanying me the other night when i just needed someone to be by my side.. You were there, no complains, no whatsoever.."

Boi, he'll make me laugh no matter how screwed up i feel inside.. Even though his jokes are most of the time lame, it's fun just to laugh AT him.. He's ALWAYS with his 'sendok' joke, and he can be a little deaf sometimes.. When i say something, he'll hear another thing.. "Hey, how's your brother? Haha, kidding kidding.." He thinks I'm crazy.. Crazy as in mental hospital crazy.. You see, whenever the conversation became a little quiet, i began to laugh for no apparent reason.. I think he's scared of me.. Anywayz, thanx Boi for making me laugh..

Well my life is actually very blessed.. Should be grateful for it.. Hate to admit it, but i love my life even though how dysfunctional it is..

All names have been changed to protect the identity of the innocents.. Haha, love you guys!

My visit to the dentist..

I don't know if it's a childhood experience or just because, but i hate dentist.. There's just something creepy about them, don't you think so? They wear this mask which make them look very mysterious.. With that white coat of them and those latex gloves.. It's like they have some unfinished evil intentions or maybe it's just my imaginations..

I think i watched too much Chinese movies where the dentists turned out to be serial killers.. Haha, i should stop scaring myself, i know.. It's just those tools they use for your teeth. They look like tools used to torture people, especially that hook thingy.. I've always hated that tool..

Quite frankly, the trip to the dentist isn't that bad.. My stomach turned when i first step into the office.. When i saw the dentist, i kinda chilled down a little..

"The dentist is kinda cute.. A bit older than me, but still cute", i thought to myself. He directed me to the chair and with a smile he said, "Don't worry, I'll be gentle". Woo! Haha, what a way to make a girl calm down.. With that said, i lay down on the chair and with a twinkle in his eyes, he told me to "open up". It's just something in his voice that serene me down.

Whoever when for polishing before knows that they use this water suction thingy.. The dentist kinda slide it inside my mouth, i wasn't really aware about it so i kinda gagged a little.. "Put it wherever comfortable for you", he said.. He's so professional.. AND CUTE! Haha..

So he started 'operating' on my teeth and i let loose.. There's just something about the thought of having guy's fingers in your mouth that is so hot.. He started off very gentle and kinda mindful of my gums, but in the middle of the process he started going rough and i think he bruised my gum a little.. But i don't mind, i like my guys going rough on me.. Tie me up on a bed post and spank me, I'll be a happy lady.. Hua hua

Jeesh, this is supposed to be my experience to the dentist and I'm telling everybody about how i like my sexual preferences.. It's kinda connected somehow.. It's weird that whatever the dentist said, sounds so suggestive.. Whatever it is, he's a good dentist.. "Tell me if it hurts", he said.

It's just a 20-30 mins process and when it ended, i was like "izzit over already??". Come to think of it, there's actually nothing scary about going to the dentist.. It was all in my mind, i mean come on.. How many dentist you know actually turn out to be rapist or killers??

Anyway what more can i ask for in a dentist.. He's professional, gentle, caring, and of course.. CUTE! A little rough but that's just the way i like it.. *winks*

I'll give you my dirty little secrets..

Here it is, something I've never done before.. I'm gonna reveal to all of you out there who reads my blog my secrets.. Well, it's not really secrets.. It's just some embarrassing stuffs which i hope people won't have to find out.. Since I'm nearly 20, i just gotta live with it.. So here goes..

Where do i begin?? I'm not too sure.. Haha, my fears?? My embarrassing moments?? I don't know.. I'll just start with my fears of stuffs and then I'll just continue from there.. Tee hee..

Rodent-
I think girls will agree with me when i say RATS ARE DISGUSTING!! I HATE rats!! Hate still doesn't describe how much i despise rats.. They're disgusting.. Not just rats but whoever is in the rodent family.. Hamster?? Possum?? Mice!! Argh! I hate them all.. There's no particular reason why I'm afraid of them, i just do.. Even a small little mousy can cause so much damage, imagine what they can do when they're with their cliques!! Ew, i don't wanna know! They're full of diseases and their high pitch squeak is so irritating! IRRITATING!! Their long snouts and stupid whiskers and super long tail.. EWW!!! I get goosebumps just talking about those diseased rodents.. Bluergh!!

Lizards-
I don't naturally hate reptiles cause i like crocodiles and alligators.. Lizards just freak me out so much.. Even if the lizard is within 10 feet from me, I'll flee.. I wasn't always afraid of lizards but in one incidence this lizard was crawling on my wall.. I got irritated so i kinda sprayed it with insecticide so it crawled much more faster and kinda hide in the corner of my cornice or something.. I didn't see where it went so i just sprayed the insecticide over the cornice and haha coincidentally the freaking lizard got out and stared at me.. Like the lizard really stared at me with the evil look in that huge eyes.. It was scary.. So i sprayed the insecticide into its eyes and it jumped onto the floor and practically chased me!! Damn that lizards man! I was shouting so hard and my mom kinda rescued me.. Haha, yes my mom is the hero here.. Well after that day, i stay away from lizards!! Like really stay away! If there's a lizard in the bathroom, I'll splash the evil thing with hot water.. I'll laugh as i watch it squirm in pain.. Lizards are evil so we shouldn't be nice to them.. They should all burn in hell.. Ew..

MattSanders-
I think in some of my post and most of the survey bulletin i posted, i mention alot about this MattSanders.. Well, MattSanders is my most trusted and my most beloved.. MattSander have been there for me through thick and thin.. When I'm sad, MattSander will always be there for me as he wiped away all my tears.. He keeps me warm at night and keeps me company when I'm lonely.. I love him and he loves me.. He won't judge me no matter how wrong i am.. Most importantly, he'll NEVER break my heart.. No, MattSanders is not another guy I'm crushing on, nor is he a pet.. He's not even a living thing.. Well, here goes.. It's a PILLOW!! Haha, my 'bantal bucuk'.. This is so embarrassing.. Haha I'm nearly 20 but i still have a favourite pillow.. I never go anywhere without him.. Campings, sleepovers, or even watching television in the living room, he's there!! Haha, my mom raped him before.. My mom stripped him and washed him.. I got back from school and see my MattSanders naked!! Of course i got pissed cause he'll no longer smell like me but instead smell of 'Softlan'.. I told my mom to never touch him again! Imagine how scared he must have been with me not there to protect him as my mom savagely stole him of his innocence!! Haha, okay now i sound so freaky.. Even my cousin, Violet kidnapped him before.. I mean come on, leave my MattSanders alone! What wrong have he done, he just wanna make me happy!! Oh dear, i need counseling..

Peeing-
Here comes the embarrassing part.. When i was young, i can't control my bladder! When i need to go, i need to go.. I can't wait for 'a few more minutes'.. Well, whenever i need to go and if there's someone in the bathroom and i HAVE to wait, i do this stupid dance so my bladder won't burst.. You have to see it to believe it.. My cousins always tease me because of that, even now.. They'll still laugh at me..
There was one time when i was 9 or 10 years old.. Violet and i always go to playgrounds cause it's just across the streets and we know EVERYONE there.. We were going to the playground for goodness sake! She was wearing a dress, no not a short one that will atleast be so much better.. You know, the long flowy dress.. Haha, well we were riding this rocking horse thingy and she being adventurous and stuff tries to jump over the horse and then it happened.. Her dress kinda got stuck on the horse's head and she was just left hanging there crying for help.. I've helped her if i can but i was busy laughing.. Like really laughing out LOUD! You see, when i laugh out loud like that, two things will happen.. Either i will start tearing or my bladder got weak.. Yeah, you guessed it.. I have to pee after that but i can't run to the house cause i was still busy laughing and then something happen.. GUESS WHAT! Haha, i peed at the playground.. It was an accident okay so don't judge me! Haha, yeah so i kinda ran as fast as i can to change and went back to the playground.. I never learn! Sheesh

Skanking-
Before i start on this secret, I'd like to apologize to all my fellow Goths and Black Metallists.. I'm gonna say this with my head hang down so low cause I'm ashamed of what i did.. Really.. I skanked.. "Boo, Arynne!!" I know, i shouldn't do it and I'm really sorry..
Well, you all gotta admit it.. Skanking is a happy happy dance.. I was doing my java project and this one part of the project really sucked.. So my cousin kinda troubleshoot it for me, and i couldn't contain myself when the java project actually worked! I got happy and i skanked.. Without me knowing.. But i regret doing it.. Sorry.. Haha

Yeah so, there you go.. Now people know much more about me.. Embarrassing but i just gotta live with it.. I think i still have more secrets but i can't remember them.. When i do, I'll definitely post it in my blog..

Haha, now i feel so vulnerable after i told you people my secrets but well.. Whatever! Haha..

We both know the day will come, but i don't wanna leave you..

I know it's unfair of me to call him a liar without even knowing the full story.. Judging him for things which he POSSIBLY may not have done, was all the reasons for him to leave.. Like i said, i always sabotage my own happiness.. I think i concentrate on being happy and having a perfect relationship that i don't even see how imperfect the relationship really is.. Wolverine made a really good point, maybe the problem lies with me.. "You know what Wolv, i think you're absolutely right.. Though you prefer not to interfere, but i really thank you for listening to my crap.."

Letting my pride get in the way, I'd rather jeopardize the relationship i have with Angel rather than admitting my mistakes.. I realize how wrong I've been now but izzit too late? It's stupid of me to let my ego get in the way of perfecting the things i had going with Angel..

I think i had it all wrong.. I thought i was already letting go but instead I'm protecting myself even more.. I seriously can say I've fallen in love with Angel, and that's what got me so scared.. Here's the reason why.. Everytime i started falling in love with that someone, he'd leave.. I'm so scared that Angel will do the same thing to me that i developed a defense mechanism so that i will not get hurt..

Boy, was i wrong! Instead of being protected by it, the plan backfired on me and once again, i hurt myself in the process..

I didn't mean for Angel to be in the position that he's in right now, it doesn't feel great at all.. Am i being selfish by asking him to stay with me? If he's feeling so tormented and emotionally raped by being with me, then what's the point of me holding onto him? I don't wanna let him go, cause i cant.. My heart don't wanna leave him but if he tells me that he'll be much happier without me in the picture, then i guess yeah, i reluctantly but surely will set him free..

"If you love someone let him go, and if he does comes back then he's meant to be yours.." I don't know which person say this but i guess he or she is probably right.. Sometimes being selfless is the only way to go.. I can't be selfish and make him stay with me if he's not gonna be happy.. What's the point of YOU being happy if you're hurting your loved one on the way? You have to do what you have to do, you know..

The more i think about it, the more i wish i could push stop and hit rewind.. Haha, how naive.. This is the real world and what's done cannot be undone.. Trying to protect myself, i hurt the person i love most, Angel. How stupid and selfish can i be? "If i were to apologize a thousand times, will it make the problems all better?" Hardly, this isn't some fairy tales where all endings are happy endings..

If i were given another chance, i will never sabotage myself again.. I will never hurt Angel the way i did now..  And if i were to be given another chance, i will definitely treasure the relationship much more, be more appreciative of Angel..

I really wanna make the relationship with Angel work.. I feel that it's worth taking the risks, BUT DO I HAVE A SAY IN THIS?
Whatever Angel's decision is, i guess i have no other choice but to respect it.. But it's okay, I'm used to giving up my own happiness for someone else.. Yes, I'll be honest.. I will be terribly heartbroken if he chooses to leave me but I'll move on.. May be a few days, a few weeks or even a few months but I'll make it..

"Thank you dear Angel for always being there.. Thank you for not judging my ever so dysfunctional family.. Thank you for accepting my family, my friends and me.. You're the best thing that have ever happened to me in years, but i guess I'm not even worth the love you gave me.. If you have made your decision to leave, I'll say one thing to you right now.. You will always be on my mind.. I will always be right beside you cheering you on and supporting your every goals and every dreams.. Just know that for every love you lost and every problems you have, I'll be with you every step of the way.. Thank you once again.. For everything.. You'll always be my Angel of Darkness.. Take care dear.."