I'm not being materialistic, i'm being realistic..

It's the eve of my cousin's engagement and everyone's really busy with the preparation.. Haha, I've been cutting kilos and kilos of dried chillies.. Oh my gosh, it's her engagement but I'm the one excited.. Haha, whatever it is, i wish her all the luck and just hope she wont get nervous..

Everybody knows that i love money and if people are offended by it then hey, by all means.. This is me, if you think I'm being shallow and materialistic about it.. Here's a little newsflash for you, I'm being realistic.. They say more money, more problem.. They lied!! With more money, you can buy more things.. With more things, you are definitely happier.. Haha.. Oh well whatever, you know..

Ryan Ryan.. Haha.. Okay, some people ask me why i totally banned myself from dating soccer players.. Well, for starters they're jerks.. They'll definitely pick soccer and their friends before you.. Which i don't mind that much but i mean come on, where's the attention!? Okay maybe I'm stereotyping but hey, once bitten twice shy.. For my case, it's n times bitten 2n times shy.. Haha, never mind I'm being LAME!

Okay Ryan, I'm sorry for neglecting you these few days but I'm kinda busy with my cousin's preparation for her engagement, "Hope you understand, honey.. I promise you after all is over and done, I'll devote my time to you.. Muacks" Okay, haha maybe not my whole time but there's surely a time in my busy school schedule for him right..

Anyways, i hope everything goes well for the ceremony.. Nights..

Hoi!

Haha, well I'm officially really bored right now.. My cousin's getting engaged this weekend and I'm very happy for her. Her future fiance is a really cool guy, loves to joke.. Though we don't talk that much, i can tell he's gonna be a good HUSBAND to my cousin.. HE BETTER BE!!

Like i said i can't wait for school to be reopen. But till then, i just gotta wait.. PATHETIC! Haha, i just wanna know how i did in my term test, is that so wrong?! Haha, i need to get a life.. Seriously..

Anyways, this Loqo guy.. Haha serves me right for peeping at other people's profile.. As soon as i got into his profile, it resets all my profile's layout.. But luckily, i have patience.. YEAH RIGHT! Haha..

Been trying to make my background picture.. FINALLY it's up! Haha, i don't know what i did the other time cause it didn't show the background picture at all, but now it's fine.. Okay  fine, i confess.. I've had help.. I did ask Mikael for help but he keeps saying he's busy.. Yah okay, i know he's working and have absolutely no time to HELP A FRIEND! Haha.. *Rolls eyes*

K people! Ciao! Muacks!!

Never to the idea of monogamy..

I miss school!! Never thought of the day where i actually say that! Anyways yeah, i miss school.. I actually like school.. I'm not really confident of my term test but i really hope I'll pass..

Ryan Ryan.. I have something to say to you.. "Get that camera away from my face!" He likes taking pictures but i hate posing for him and constantly having that camera in my face.. I hate taking pictures, i hate to smile actually.. Pictures are so fake! Oh well whatever..

Anyways, he's been a great help with my mood swings. He's been keeping me in balance with my inner self.. Both emotionally and mentally, sometimes sexually too.. No just kidding.. My family's gonna kill me! Yeah, i really thank him for keeping me in check with reality.. Haha, yes people i have a teeny weeny crush on him.. But too bad, I'm not actually looking for a monogamous relationship but we're definitely getting there.. He's actually very very understanding.. And yeah i really treasure him.. "Love ya Ry!"

Do you see my love behind these eyes..

Ryan have been telling me that all he sees in my eyes are a feeling of hatred and vengeance.. Well, if only he went through what i went through..

I was deprived of a happy family ever since i was born. Yeah, my parents were there but they were never together..   I was forced to grow up, be independent and mature so that i can take care of myself. How am i supposed to do that, after all i was just a kid. No, i don't life or love, I'm just not used to the love that's is going around.. But i don't blame my parents for the way i turned out, in fact i thank them.. I thank them for making me see the world differently, not to take things for granted.. One thing i learned from my parent's failed marriage is that you really need money.. Yeah, I'm not ashamed to say that my parents often fought about money.. They say money can't buy you happiness. For my case, the more money you have, the happier you'll be..

I used to blame my mom for the separation cause she was never there.. My dad was there everyday of my life.. He was the one who sent me to school, he was the one who sent me to the clinic when i got sick in the middle of the night, he was the one who rubbed ointment on me when i got my asthma attack.. I love him but i never learned to treasure him until the day he left.. It's just sad that people often take things for granted..

I've never seen my dad cry ever, until that day my mom asked for the separation. When i see his tears flowed down like that, my heart instantly broke. My family is my everything. But now it's been crushed down to nothing. I hated her for making my dad cry. I hated her for breaking up the family. I had a painful teenage years and all i feel for my mom was remorse. All i wanna do is just go against her. I never hated anyone more than i hate my mom. But she is my mother after all, whatever she do wrong, she is still my mom.

I guess I've grown up. I feel that it's no use blaming either of them. My mom was never there, and my dad have a sarcastic way of showing his love and concern.. And the marriage just couldn't work..

Now all i wanna do is make my parents happy, even if it means giving up my own dream. What do i often dream about? Having a whole family.. I know my parents still love each other.. I know that my mom still cares for my dad.. I'll do whatever it takes to get my parents back together even if it means committing murder or arson, i don't care.. But seeing how miserable my parents are when they are together just hurts me so much.. If them being happy means not being together, then I'll gladly be selfless and give up my own happiness for them..

I sincerely apologised..

First and foremost, i would like to apologise to Mikael about what i wrote in my previous post.. I know i have no excuse to counter the move that i made. I didnt think about his feelings on that particular time i wrote that entry. The thing is i didn't know he'll react as strongly as he did.

Okay, maybe it's not his fault and i totally accept all blames and faults concerning this matter. I totally understand where he's coming from.

Previously, he did told me to open up and be honest about how i feel and i guess it's going fine until that day when he read the post. The thing is i find it awkward to tell him fully about what i think or how i feel. Maybe, sub-conciously i still like him back then. I dont know.. How do you expect me to tell you Mikael.. "I don't like you talking about other girls, but i dont really mind what favours you want me to do, cause i myself enjoy it.. all this just cause i still like you".. Is that how's it gonna go? I don't think so.. Yah, i admit.. I do have those little feelings left for you that's why i was mad when you made use of me but still in like with other girls.. I dont know lah okay.. I just wanna say i'm sorry and whether you forgive me, is all up to you.. But one thing's for sure.. I really dont wanna lose you as a friend again.. Tekkerz..

Give me NOVOCAINE

At freaking last!!! I just finished my exams.. Well, hopefully this is it cause honestly, i dont wanna take any supplementary papers.. It's kinda a waste of time.. You get what i mean? Now i think i have a 6 weeks holiday and i'm looking for a job.. Ha, i just told my friends that i'm thinking of giving blowjobs to get money.. Since people say do something that you're actually good at, so here i am! Do you think i should?? Haha.. Whatever..

Anywayz, as i said i finished my exams which i think it a big big big relief! Haha.. Yeah, i hate exams actually.. I like school, just not exams.. It's kinda sucky.. Ha.. Give me presentations and projects anytime.. I'll definitely pick those two things over exams.. Yeah yeah, i know it's for my own good, bla bla bla but sometimes the paper is just too hard.. Not because we didn't study or we're not that bright, but the paper is just too hard!! No, i'm not making excuses okay but it's true..

Anywayz, me and my friends went to Tampines West CC's McDonald during one of our exams.. The paper starts at 7PM mind you! PM!! not AM but PM!! and it's a 2 hour paper.. So yeah, we went to McD's at around 12 i think.. Well, the others met a bit earlier.. I think i reached at about 11+.. Ha.. And we studied like mad! The whole place was full of my lecture mates.. And some taking DFund 2.. Haha.. We had a lot of fun studying together actually.. It was weird at first cause some of us really dont talk to each other that much but yeah, the great thing about studying in huge groups is that the possibility of everyone not knowing how to do the same question is very very very slim.. We studied, had lunch at the same time.. Ha.. I just realised something.. When i'm stressed, i tend to drink alot.. Most specifically milk.. soya bean milk or vitasoy.. Haha, i think i'm addicted to it.. Well, back to the studies.. We studied until around 6 and walk back slowly to our school.. Sit outside the exam hall for a while.. And like 5 mins before the assembly, i actually had a panic attack.. It was so sudden you know, suddenly i became sweaty, my whole face turns red, i become light headed and i practically felt my stomach turned.. Like upside down, inside out turn.. And i bit my fingernails.. I never do that ever.. My friends and family can vouch for me.. I was like really nervous!! So, whatever.. When it was time to look at the paper for the first time, i stalled myself to calm down.. When i did, i opened the paper.. and it was okay i guess? I studied everything that is needed to be studied.. SO i just did my best.. I dont care if i only have a JUST PASS.. at least i did my best.. Ha.. Whatever..

Anywayz.. My friends have been wondering about Mikael.. What can i say? It's the same i guess.. I told you he loves blowing hot and cold air towards me.. But what can i do right? I'm trying not to think about him, if that's what everyone is thinking..  But honestly i cant.. Ha.. I practically think about him like everytime.. No, i'm not obsessed.. Just miss him.. Yeah, i admit it.. I really miss him but well, sometimes we have to accept the fact that life doesnt go the way we want it to be, that's why i think life sucks.. I guess i can forget about Mikael and me being close like last time.. Oh well, life goes on.. Yeah sure sometimes i wait for his calls but well, i find myself kinda stupid to be waiting for something that's not gonna come.. Ha.. Yeah whatever.. I really dont wanna feel like this about him.. I wish he could just take it all away but yeah, i still like him and there's nothing i can do..

"You know what Mikael, as mean as you may be to me.. I really did miss you and yeah, i do sometimes think about you.. But izzit all worth it?? Whatever it is, i hope you have a great and happy time with whatever you're doing now.. And yeah, good luck with ur new job and ur bike license.. Take care.. "

We're just like last time, only closer.. I HOPE

"Mikael, you want me to open up my feelings to you but since you havent called me, i'll write it in my blog, since now i know you read it sometime, i hope you don't mind k! When you call me, then i'll elaborate more.. Sorry handsome"

Well, yeah so the story goes like this.. Mikael called me one day and we talked as usual when suddenly he talked about my friendster blog.. It's kinda weird when he reacted so strongly about it cause he says he wants me to share my feelings with him, just like last time.. I was shocked by his reaction obviously, but there's a part in me that is rather pleased.. Well, at least he cares about me right? He does, right? I dunno.. But he's rather unpredictable, he can blow hot and cold like anytime, anyday..

So back to the story.. Like normal people do, i was curious why he reacted so strongly about the blog so i asked.. He said he wants us to be like last time, CLOSE.. Even though how hard he hated me, he said, it's hard to forget about me.. "Well Mikael, if you have told me this earlier, i wouldn't have wondered so much.." So yeah, if he would have told me about his feelings sooner, i'd totally understand.. But he didn't, so is it my fault?? So he asked me to share what i feel and elaborate more on what i had wrote in this blog..

So being as ignorant as i am and since i already promised him not to lie to him again, ha, i told him that i felt it wasn't necessary for me to tell him since he also didn't share his feelings with me..

I'm just so confused.. Was, still and will always be.. I thought him telling me about his feelings will subside my confusion but, it didn't.. It kinda arouses back my feelings for him..

"Well Mikael, here is another confession.."  Well here goes, I think i still like him.. I mean, i know i still like him cause all this while, i've just stopped the feelings from showing.. But he told me how he feels (although it's not that clear) and i guess, it kinda rekindles back about what i feel for him.. I've always cared about him, and will always.. It's just hard for me to tell him all this.. Maybe i'm scared? Well, of course i will right, it's like it's all not in my hand.. It's all in his, he can make this pleasant for both of us, and he can also take that feeling away from me.. I dont want that..

"Mikael, do you mean what you said when you say you wanna be close like last time and when you asked me about finding what we have back then? I'm glad if you do cause i really still like you.. But if it's just another one of your selfish reasons, then tell me, dont leave me out of your games cause right now, half of my heart belongs to you.."