The world will never be what i expected

There's too many things going through my mind right now. It sucks.

I was nice to some of the freshies. What was i thinking?! I'm a senior, I'm not supposed to be nice to them! Next time I'm gonna shout "MOVE AWAY, SENIORS COMING THROUGH!" Wonder if that'll work.

Term test next week. Reports and project proposals due after the term break. I thought i can have my rest but apparently, those hopes have been dashed too. Pfft. One day, that's all i ask for. No stress, no reports, no competing on who got the highest mark in quizzes. Too much to ask?

Gah, guys guys guys. Feedz is mad at me for i don't know why. Hate to admit it, but Alistair is right though, he's right about me being foolish. People, don't ask. Let's not start with other men troubles or else it'll be endless! How can somone have problems in the love department when their love life is non-existant?

Oh dear, I'm just too stressed to think about anything right now. Everything i do seems useless and just a waste of time. No, I'm sorry. Not really a waste of time, just that i don't know if it'll pay off. Meh, I think it's just one of those things where everything's so stressful that you can't even think straight. I know what i need to achieve, but what do i want, really. It's time i refocus on my priorities in life. I have to know what i really want in life. Seriously.

I can't wait to graduate right now. The diploma is so near that i can already taste the sweet success. All i can do right now, is try not to screw everythng up. I've put all my blood, sweat and tears into this, i will not give up.

Not now, I've gone too far.

Sorry seems to be the hardest word

I was just wondering, why izzit so hard for human being to admit their mistakes?

Forget about apologizing, but some people find it so hard to say "I'm wrong". Is it an ego thing? I mean, I'm pretty sure they grew up always thinking that they're right so they think that it's impossible for them to make mistakes. Could it be because they're too proud? Or maybe even embarrassed? Thinking that they're perfect, they feel a little hesitant to let everybody see their flaws?

Well whatever the reason is, i just think it's pathetic not to admit your mistakes, especially when you yourself know that you made an err. When they're caught, they'll try to come up with some excuses to justify their actions just to make themselves feel better. Izzit really that hard? I think it all comes down to that dreaded sorry word.

I mean, yeah of course I'm usually always right (haha) but when i know i made a mistake, or when people did point out my mistake for me, i will apologize. Isn't that what all our parents taught us? Say sorry if you're in the wrong.

But then again, maybe their parents are like that too, so parents being the obvious role model, they followed their parent's behaviour. Of course, I'm not blaming their parents cause people are gifted with this amazing organ, called the brain. I'm sure they're able to differentiate between what's right and what's not.

Well, that's what i hope atleast.

Then there are people who do admit their mistakes, do apologize but after that, the expect people to move on. All that matters for them is that they apologized and that's enough for them.

You see, whenever you make a mistake, there's gonna be some consequences prior to that and it affects different people quite differently. Your family, your friends, and those people around you could very well be affected by your petty mistakes. So the least you can do is try to make it less messy for them.

Ahh, fixing. Not that simple i agree, and yes some mistakes really cannot be undone. Why not, rather than you concentrating on what cannot be undone, you try to fix those things that can. I think it's much easier that way.

It kinda frustrates me when the people know that they have to fix it, and know exactly what to do but they just simply refuse. Their excuse? They think it's too hard.

So i guess you'd much rather hurt your loved ones than fixing your mistake? Wow, selfish lot we human.

When they ask for advice, and they absolutely agree with it then decides to really fix the mistake, they once again back out. So those people they asked advices on will get really pissed or irritated.

Oh no people, that's not the worse part.

The worst part is when they try to counter us by saying that we have no idea what they're going through. When you tell them that you won't be caught dead in a situation like theirs, they're pretty sure that it will happen to you and only then will you understand.

Haha, it's funny cause they think that the morals and values of everybody else is as dispensable as theirs.

I don't know about you guys but for me, when i know what i want and made up my mind, i will never change it. Principle and integrity are something i hold on very tightly to so i know that i won't be in the situation where i need to compromise my character and who i am as a person.

Oh well, i guess some people who you think will stay true to their morals and values turned out to be just the opposite. It's weird.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, we're only human and sometimes we do make mistakes. We're definitely not perfect but do think about the effects of your mistake and think about the people affected, and not be selfish. It's okay to make mistakes, it just mean that we're normal, so don't be embarrassed to apologize cause it takes courage to own up and admit your mistakes.

P/S: I know human being are a self-centered bunch but please don't assume that I'm writing this post about any of you. *smiles*

Is there no standard anymore?

Other than being easily tempted by dark chocolates, my other weakness are kids. It's so easy to see how they're able to take your troubles away just by looking at them. And not to mention how they can get away with things just by smiling.

Their innocent faces, big round eyes, and of course, the button noses. Small hands and feet, hamburger cheeks and their bubble tummy. Hearing them laugh can easily put a smile on my face. Not forgetting their itsy bitsy fingers and toes, i just wanna bite them!

Whenever i feel a little down, I'll just look at the kids playing at the playground, or even on television, my mood will be lifted automatically. I love kids, and thankfully they like me too. Tee hee.

I can't wait to have kids of my own someday. So, anyone wanna be my baby daddy? Haha. Even if I'm not married, i still wanna have babies. Adopted ones are fine too, really, just as long as i get to take care of them when they're still babies.

I don't know, haha. I get all motherly and loving when i see kids. I hope i make a good, if not perfect, mother one day. Heex!

Anyways, how many times must i tell you to be more neighbour-conscious, considerate and just try not to be plain rude? 

No, I'm not talking about those pole hogging freaks again, just people who don't give a hoot about others living beside them. Well, they're also known as, your neighbours.

This really isn't a problem if you're living on a private property or those condominiums. This is just a problem for those living in HDB flats cause the units are much closer and the walls are thinner.

Incase you don't know, there's a freaking 10pm rule.

This rule states that there shouldn't be any loud or disturbing noises after 10pm, latest by 11pm. But then again, i think everybody knows that cause it's just common sense to not make so much noise at night.

Do they follow the rule? NOooooo! They decided to be a 'rebel' at the wrong time.

Pfft, what I'm trying to say is.. STOP PLAYING MAH JONG IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT! STOP DRAGGING YOUR FURNITURE AT 2 IN THE MORNING JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE SUPERSTITIOUS! STOP PUTTING YOUR TELEVISION VOLUME ON MAXIMUM ALL THE TIME! ARE YOU STUPID OR SOMETHING??

Unlike people who like to gamble or be couch potatoes, there are others who have to go to work and school in the morning. Stop being a lazy ass and go find a job or atleast be quiet when people is trying to get some sleep!

Retards!

Once again, school have been a torture! Not just because i find some of the lecturers really can't teach, or because the subjects involve a hell lotta science but also because of irritating shoolmates (some of them anyways).

Let's start with the guys. I have nothing against them though i don't talk to them. I don't hate them.

Just that they tend to gossip more than the girls.

Oh, one suggestion guys, if you wanna talk bad about other people in terms of the way they look, go buy yourself a full length mirror from IKEA.

I'm not saying they talk about me, just about the girls i sit with during lectures and lunch with every single day. I'm not sure if they know that the lecture theater is pretty small, or they're just feigning ignorance. If you wanna talk about people, atleast do it softly, be more discreet about it.

Even though they're talking in their mother tongue, I'm pretty sure the other girls can hear. Even if they don't, what makes the guys think that i won't tell the other girls what they're talking about them. Think about it.

I think they have no idea that i have very sharp ears, even though I'm sitting in the front row and they're sitting at the upper last row, i can hear them.

It's a gift. Adore it, fear it. *smiles*

And so what if i have ass, big hips or whatever, it just means I'm a woman, stupid! Unlike the girls you all go for with no curves, no boobs and the lack of ass, i like my womanly voluptuous figure so sit back, shut up and just go continue humping those stick like girls of yours!

Jackasses!

Oh and also, there's this girl who irritates the fuck out of me! The other girls will agree with me too if they can figure out who I'm talking about. It's just the same old thing over and over and over again.

This is the very reason why i hate doing projects with her. She have the idea that everyone should listen to her just because we appointed her leader. We only did that because we know how stupid she can get when it comes to contributing ideas, so the only thing we want her to do is just to write down what the other members are discussing about.

But when you can't even catch up and have no freaking idea what we've been discussing about, it kinda questions your credibility doesn't it?

I get super pissed when she can't even understand a simple mathematical calculation or a simple English sentence like 'DESCRIBE WHAT YOUR PROJECT CAN ACHIEVE BY IMPLEMENTING THE SOLUTION TO THE CHOSEN PROBLEM'.

The notes borrowing, yeah, it's getting irritating too. The notes are written the way i know i can understand, if you wanna borrow them then hey by all means but don't ask me what the hell does every symbols and words means. By the way, if your brain is willing to work hard enough, you wouldn't have problems writing your own set of notes. I'm not trying to look down or be mean, but when you even ask your schoolmates on how to write notes, then what the hell are you doing in the same class as me.

And one more thing, please refrain from getting too close to me, i treat you like a classmate and not a friend, they're two different matters. So don't come to me and start telling me about your sob childhood stories cause, to be honest, there might be a chance that i don't care.

I'm very choosy when it comes to picking friends, and so far, she doesn't meet the criteria.

And to Hazel, the freaking post wasn't about your mom so stop being so defensive. If it was, I'd write her name. Why get so annoyed by it if you believe your mom didn't do anything wrong. Well unless you're admitting that she does talk crap about my mom behind her back. You of all people should know how much i respect your parents but if you really think that post was meant to be sarcastic to her then you don't really know me at all.

That's your freaking answer. And about who I'm talking about, it doesn't really concern you. I'm not being rude here but if you want to make a big deal about it, even when i clearly say it's not your mom, then there you go. Go ahead if you wanna blow everything out of proportion.

Well, toodles now!

That's what you get when you let your heart win

You have no idea how much I'm still not over what happened the other day! Like, seriously, i still can't believe i didn't keep my mouth shut!

Oh my goodness, what the hell am i doing, seriously?! I've been too honest with him and I'm not sure if it was a good idea.

Honestly, i do miss him but why do i have to tell him that?! I've tried so hard to forget about him. It's not easy cause truth be told, i don't want to. I don't know why I'm still waiting for him even when i know it's impossible, even in a million years. Even with all the things i do to touch his heart, i know he'll never fall for me.

History is probably gonna repeat itself and I'll be left with the broken heart again but it's not gonna be his fault. I just wanna make him happy even if i can't be with him. I get it, I'm being foolish but you all have no idea how i feel.

You assume you do, in actual fact, you all have not a slightest clue on how the situation really is. Everybody keep telling me to forget about him, okay, maybe you're right. This thing is actually i don't want to forget about him. It's the feelings i have for him that i wanna diminish.

That's two totally different things.

Until now, i still harbor feelings for him even when i know that it's only one sided. I know he don't feel the same but hey, i still gotta be honest right?

I don't wanna keep thinking about that anymore. Let's talk about other things.

For example, my psychological problem! Well, i assume that it is cause it's not a eating disorder.

Alistair suggested seeing a psychiatrist. Haha, i know right! I'm fat, ugly, and now I'm crazy! Nah, i know he don't mean it like that but maybe he's right.

Could be that it's not the image of my body that I'm worried about but eating itself. I'm wondering, could it be a phobia of eating?

Haha, hope not! I love food actually but i don't know why after i took that appetite curbing pills, all this started!

I'm becoming crazy i tell you!

Arun told me to higher my threshold for overeating. He could be right too yeah? I mean, i feel super guilty even after a piece of bread and it's like super stupid cause i feel disgusted at myself for eating.

Gah, i should book an appointment with the psychiatrist soon or I'll die of over worrying or something.

Having Arun as a friend really boosted up my ego. Tee hee. He said I'm pretty attractive and a little seductive. Haha, i know he's just being nice but i appreciate the effort for cheering me up.

Anyhoo

You all know what i hate? When the public transport is crowded during peak hours and you have nowhere to grab hold to and the only hand rail available is being occupied by ONE person.

Let me explain what i mean.

I'm talking about those people who hog onto the hand rail by leaning their body on it, or hugging the freaking pole as if it's made up of some precious shits.

HOW INCONSIDERATE CAN SOMEONE BE?!

When you stare at them, they'll think you're picking a fight! And when you tell them to move their hand nicely, they'll completely ignore you!

So to those people who like to do this type of things, please stop. it's inconsiderate, rude and makes you look like a lazy pig!

The only person that looks good leaning on things when he's standing up is James Dean. You're not him so please stop making yourself look like a pathetic dumb ass.

Pfft!

Raise your head, and taste the courage

Confession time!

I told that person about the secret. Well i feel better cause i hate keeping things from that person, especially so when it is about this.

What? Of course I'm not gonna tell you all anything! It doesn't involve you. DUH! I told Alistair because he's a great buddy of mine and he's the only person that will understand what I'm talking about.

K, enough about that.

What I'm trying to say is that, i told that person the secret. Well, actually it's not really a secret cause it's too obvious. I don't know, somehow, I'm pretty sure you all already know what I'm talking about.

Once again, I'm babbling!

Gah, i don't know if it was the right thing to do telling that person about it. When i enter that freaking message in MSN, my washing machine started shaking vigorously! Haha, it's been possessed i tell you! I think it's a sign, that i did the wrong thing by telling that person.

Oh i don't know! I'm going on like a dumb ass right now, aren't i?

I just realized something. I can totally summarize everything i just typed in just one sentence.

Haha, here goes.

I told that person the secret and i feel like it was the wrong thing to do. That person told me that it was a shocking confession but not stupid or wrong. I don't know, i should have just kept my mouth shut.

Okay, now that that's out of the way, i can totally concentrate on other stuff. For example, stupid people.

Well, not exactly stupid, just retarded i guess. You know, if you wanna go against what i think or wanna comment on my 'morals' or 'character', I'm here to give you a suggestion. READ! And think with your brain please! If you don't have a brain, then don't think of anything to say cause you'll sound stupid.

Read atleast two or three times per post if you think I'm talking bullshit. When you comment on my opinions, i don't really mind. But when you go out of point and make it into something that is totally not about that particular topic, haha you'll only make a fool out of yourself, not me. It's pretty stupid for you to put words in my mouth like that, especially when you know (i assume you understood it with the way your comment sounds) where I'm coming from.

Pfft, all this people giving me stupid feedback. I don't really care if my post sounds rude. Who the hell cares! Hey you know what? I assume you have no basic intelligence whatsoever so I'm giving you the permission to stop reading my blog, just incase you accuse me of being disruptive.

Gah, I'm having a huge headache cause the sun is super shining. Anyhoo, wanna wish my beloved groupmate, Nicholas a Happy 21st Birthday! Finally huh! Tee hee. And Winnie a Happy 25th Birthday!

Okay, wait! Another confession!

Errm ermm, at this very minute, at this very moment. I'm kinda missing that person. Pfft, how wrong can i get?!?!?!

WAKE UP PLEASE ARYNNE!!

Are you freaking kidding me, Arynne?!

WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE?!

I should have kept my mouth shut yesterday. I should have!

Argh! Why am i always the victim of impulse?!

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME, ARYNNE?!

Why everybody is trying to be, living like a celebrity doing what they see on MTV

I think at some point in our lives we've battle with eating disorder. Probably not as serious as some of the people we've read about, and hopefully none of you almost died from it but I'm pretty sure we've all been there (yes boys, you too!).

Since I'm already talking about it, I'm gonna be honest okay. I too have gone through that phase. I'm calling it a phase because it was just for a short period of time.

During my secondary school years to be exact. Being slightly bigger than my peers was the most depressing situation ever, then! It was pressurizing because, whether you like it or not, everybody is judged by the way they look. Having to run in the basketball court during lunchtime wasn't helping either. It wasn't embarrassing really, cause we were having fun but getting stares from those retards was a little frustrating.

And don't even let me start talking about celebrities. Being a fan of gossip columns and people from the perfection driven world was really making MYSELF feel miserable.

Here's the thing, i used to be in love with this guy in class but being the normal me, of course it's the wrong guy. He was the kind of guy my girlfriends know i will be attracted to.

Tall, fair complexion, kind of a bad boy type but secretly a mummy's pet, a teaser and a little cheeky. Yeah, you know the kind. Although he treated all girls the same, you can tell that he prefer those stick-like girls, and popular in a sense where every guy has stuck their boneration into their separation (sorry about that, haha). We used to flirt alot during Geography class (he was sitting behind me) and i thought he did like me until he decided to date the skinny dumb ass.

I don't know who or what i did it for, i used to not eat and even tried purging the food out just to lose a few kilos. The worst part was that when i knew that it worked, cause i lost a drastic amount of weight, i started doing it often. Sometimes even when i don't eat, I'll try to vomit out whatever content that was in my system.

I guess i realized that it started to get a little dangerous when my stomach can't hold anything. The food i eat, the water i drink, would automatically be vomited out. It was scary, and not to mention painful! So after that, i started eating again. It was easy overcoming it cause my girlfriends are junk food lovers. Everytime we go out, we'll eat cause that's the cheapest thing to do.

Over the year, i did gain and lose kilos after kilos but I'm just happy that I'm healthy.

Well, i guess the stress of looking good is getting back to me once again. Not as dangerous as last time but the pressure of always trying to stay not fat is always there.

I eat, like one meal per day and sometimes i don't eat anything but apples for breakfast, lunch and dinner. It's getting pathetic cause i have this so called fat jeans that i wear on days when i don't feel at all comfortable with my  body.

I get so mad at myself whenever outfits fit me a little tighter. I beat myself up cause i get so guilty after eating that bowl of ice cream or that chocolate chip cookie.

Although my eating habits have changed dramatically (i only eat fastfood once a month, sometimes once in two month and i cut down on unhealthy snacks), i still feel sinful when i eat. Taking that appetite curbing pills help but it's just that it makes me a little cranky and paranoid even.

Whenever i eat (even if it's a little), i feel heavy. I start checking on every single parts of my body. My arms, my thighs, my tummy and even my fingers! I always think I've gained alot of weight after eating half portion of a meal,and then the next day I'll only eat an apple.

My eating habit continue that way, it's like a cycle.

I don't know if it's an eating disorder cause i do eat and i definitely do not binge eat or vomit out my food now but i have a feelings that it's not advisable to think that way.

Could it be a psychological problem or just the after-effect of what i went through in my teenage years. I think i should get help but i don't think it's a problem. It's not right?

I really don't know! I need opinions! Am i suffering from eating disorder or a psychological problem?!

Don't get me wrong people. I adore my body, i love it like it is. Just that sometimes being aesthetically enhanced doesn't sound like a bad idea.

I guess being around skinny people and all things stressing on perfection are a major aspect of what happened to me. And my goodness, my family will call you fat (even when you know you're not) just to get a reaction out of you.

It's pretty damaging i guess.

I'll always have a love/hate relationship with my body but one thing's for sure, I'll accept it the way it is. Flaws and all.

So why this desire in looking good rather than looking smart? I guess subconsciously, i know that most guys prefer looking rather than thinking. And even if they do think, sometimes they use the wrong head.

Pfft, photoshopped celebrities should be jailed!

We can work without the perks, just you and me

Oh dear, i have a secret. But i didn't tell anyone about it. Well except Alistair, only cause he knows how to relate to it.

This secret involves someone. Someone i care so much about. But I'm not sure if i should tell that person about it. Alistair advised me to be honest about it but the consequences could be huge (well not really, but i tend to get a little paranoid)!

Haha, forget about it. I'll tell if it comes up, if it doesn't then nyahaha.

Anyhoo, Arun said he wanna introduce me to one of his Lufthansa (pardon the spelling) mate but it was a funny incident cause this guy he wanna introduce to me was my sociology classmates two semester ago! Haha. Arun Arun, your reaction, when you found out i already knew him, was hilarious!

He told me to put up an advertisement for cute guys since I'm always looking for one. Ridiculous! Haha.

Nicholas! This guy call me a pervert! Haha, his reasons for calling me one? Yeah, you guesses it. Cause i keep looking at guys! Haha, he make me sound like a guy crazy ho-bag!

Excuse me Nicholas, incase you haven't noticed I'm not the one who gets nosebleeds whenever i see cute Chinese girls in hot shorts walking infront of me! Huh huh huh huh, and you dare call me a pervert! Nyahahaha!

It's not like i go to places where all the hot guys hang, out (for example Design School! Haha), just that whenever i walk around Engine School and there are a group of guys walking, there's gotta be atleast ONE cute guy.

You know?

Haha, and i gotta take back what i said about Engine School having no cute guys. I apologize to all Engine all. Tee hee. There are quite a few cute guys there and i get to see them every Thursday (if i go to school early!).

I don't know. I just don't feel any connection with any of the guys in class. Maybe cause they're like the typical guys type (i could be wrong though!). What i meant by typical is that they smoke, they club (probably drink too but i don't know), and they LOVE hot girls (but then again, which guys don't right!).

Another reason why I'm not so close with the guys in school is because i don't want them to get the wrong idea. I guess i am flirty by nature (SOMEONE insist that i am) and i happen to like lame jokes (not everyone is born a comedian okay). I just don't like the other guys to assume the i like one particular guy just because i laughed at his bad jokes.

I prefer my guys straightedge, don't drink, don't smoke and don't do drugs, so i don't think MOST guys in school fit the bill. But of course, i know that some of them are but i just don't know who. Tee hee.

Here's the thing, i don't talk to the guys in school but that doesn't necessarily mean i dislike them. I just don't think i am able to open up to them like all the other girls could cause we share nothing in common whatsoever. And even if we do, they don't really approach me cause i look a bit arrogant kinda?

Oh i don't know! I get along fine with the Chinese and Indian guys in school. Maybe the problem lies with them and not me.

Haha, they don't like being seen talking to ugly girls maybe?

Anyhoo, so far i didn't hear any rumours about schoolmates liking me THAT way. See, i was right! This is the part where i go right infront of Rob's face and say, "I TOLD YOU SO!", except that it's not possible. DUH. Haha.

I know i say that i will never date any guys from school but i mean, if there IS someone (but I'm pretty sure there aren't and no Alistair, I'm not being EMO!) that probably like me more than just a friend, i really wanna know about it. From himself of course.

I'm a very simple girl (despite what my girlfriends think! haha) and all i want is for someone to make me happy and smile to myself thinking about previous conversations and such. Of course, i do have expectations but it's there just to remind me to never settle for second best when i can have the first grade goods. You know what i mean?

Honestly, i don't really mind if i don't love the guy. Just as long as i know and believe me more and more each day, that's fine with me because to me, love can be nurtured.

Sure, no doubt that financial stability is an important factor but you don't need to shower me with expensive gifts, bring me to expensive restaurants and a trip around the world in your private jet (but of course, i don't mind this at all haha), I'd rather you give me a box of my favourite dark chocolate and have a quiet picnic where there's only nature and us (yeah I'm romantic that way!) Tee hee.

Oh by the way, i don't like movies on the first date! *hint hint wink wink (if ever anyone wanna take me out on dates! :P)*

It's funny, i was watching my Chinese show as usual when this baby milk powder commercial came up. You know who i thought about? Eric.

It was a cute memory cause i asked him to have my baby (not real ones of course!).

Me: You wanna have babies with me?
Eric: Sure, but after i finish college.
Me: (in my mind, i was like 'huh?!') I meant in Facebook silly!

And then we laughed! Haha

It's weird cause we haven't talked for months and he haven't left any cbox messages on my blog. I bet he already forget about me and my blog.

Hm, i wonder if he already asked that red head out. Oh well!

You've got alot to learn, well so do i and we've got plenty of time

There was a time in my life when i feel like everything was closing in on me, and everyone was against me. I hated my life then.

It's not easy cause everything i do, everywhere i go, i feel as if I'm being scrutinized. It's not helping when the friends i was hanging out with was oblivious to the fact that other people do have problems too. I mean, sure i do try to listen to their problems too but unlike them, some people have REAL problems, most of it didn't include rejection from boys. Neither did it include what top to buy at the next sale.

I sometimes think that they really have no other problems except boys (or anything else with penis.. go figure!)

Ever since primary school all the way up to secondary school, I've never been comfortable with my own skin. I can't be who i really am with the girls i used to hang out with. They can never accept me fully cause i was never considered acceptable in the eyes of society (be it about looks or the way i think). I made enemies with the way i think, and people hate for being brutally honest.

I was confused. Aren't friends supposed to accept you for who you are? Aren't friends supposed to be honest with each other, and not tell even a little white lie?

Everything used to matter, who's the pretty one, who's the smart one, or who's the most  popular amongst boys. Is that all that matter, really?

Whatever, i used to feel so suffocated with everything. Everything i do doesn't seem right.

But now.

Everything is so far away from me. Everything and everyone just look so big and it feels like i bear no significance whatsoever. I feel so lost now.

I really don't know what I'm gonna do with my life. Seriously. It just seems like I've been nothing but a failure. Everything i ever wanted is so near but it's just so far from my grasp. I really don't know what else to do.

Hard work, perseverance, determination and lots of patience? Ha, nothing.

It's just stupid you know. Once, just once, i wanna know what it feels like to achieve something and the pride of getting what i want.

You see, I've never been lucky. Socially, academically, financially, in life and even in love. Never. I bring luck to everybody else around me but Lady Luck never seem to be on my side.

No way, I'm not even gonna start talking about guys. Everybody knows how it is for me with boys anyway. I ALWAYS fall for the ones i can't get. It's either that guys treat me like one of them or the guys i want, don't want me back (Ryan, Alex, and the likes of them are not included!). Nobody really thinks I'm worth it anyway. Yeah, what's new right. *roll eyes*

Gah, why the fuck am i complaining again?! I know I'm supposed to be happy with what i have but the voice in my head is making me feel worthless. Whatever you know. Just incase i decide to take my own life tonight (but i doubt it'll happen), you all do take care and do miss me! *hugs and kisses*

By the way, my left butt cheek hurts like hell. I don't know what happened but it feels like i fell (but i don't really remember falling) hard on my butt. Alistair told me that probably i sat too much. But only on the left side? Haha, who sits like that?

K, no more depressing post after this. And yes friends, I'm okay. Don't worry, it's just one of those days.

Something kinda ooh, makes my heart go boom-boom

PRESENTATION ROCKED!

Tee hee, i know I've been stressed because of this presentation and I've been pissing everybody off with my grumpiness so i wanna apologize to those effected.

I was nervous before the presentation but once i went into the room, i was on presentation mode. The report advisor loved our presentation! She said we were very clear, organized and have really good team dynamic.

See, i told you my group will get it together in the end.

I hate to say this but I'm kinda glad i didn't go to Tioman. I mean, of course i wanna go but I'm happy that i didn't go through with my selfish plans. I'll probably fuck my group over if i were to take medical leave on that day.

So I'm pretty happy with my decision of putting school first.

Yeah, so the hair. Haha, i wanna cut my hair but i have no idea what style i wanna cut. I mean, i wanna cut it short but all my friends are telling me to just trim it and keep it long. I don't know, what do you all think? Cut it short or keep it long?

So there's this boy in school.

Haha, i know the past few post have been mostly about guys but whatever okay! I'm not talking about the one in my lab. Though he's been looking everytime i turn around to i see. Which i think is cute cause everytime i saw him looking, he'll turn back to his computer. Tee hee, he started talking, he only asked about lab stuff, but i like his deep voice. Kinda sexy and mysterious at the same time.

Haha, okay enough about him. So like i said, there's this boy in school.

I kinda have a crush on him i guess. I know right, i sound unsure. Haha, i really don't know actually, only because everytime i don't see him, i don't think about him. Probably i like looking at his face, that's all.

He's not hot or gorgeous looking like all the other guys i look at, but there's just this look that attracts me to him. This charm he have, gah i can't explain. I don't know about other girls but i find him attractive, kinda.

He have this shy look on his face and when he walks, he'll look down, kinda like lacking in confidence but i know that he's not, so it's kinda cute.

Am i making sense?

He have this shy look and innocent-ness on his face. I know for a fact that he's soft-spoken cause I've heard him talk to his friends before, even saw him smile too! Tee hee.

No, i don't know his name and we've never talked before. I don't even know which course he's from. But i do know however, that he's from my batch and definitely not from Mechatronics.

Ah oh well whatever, he don't like me anyway (not that anybody ever do) so I'm just gonna keep looking at him. Tee hee.

Rob said i should start talking to the guys and get my flirt on to those who are interested in me or those I'm interested in. But i think he's just being ridiculous cause i know that no guys in school likes me enough to wanna get to know how i am outside school. If i don't know any better, i think he's trying to push me to date people but nah, i don't want to.

I don't need to even. I think concentrating on school is much more worth it.

Rob if you're reading this, i suggest you stop cause you and i both know how stubborn i can be when i already make up my mind. I know you're being nice and concerned that i might be lonely but i really don't wanna date anyone right now. Thank you though *smiles*

Alistair! I'm still waiting for your daddy to come kidnap me! You better hurry or I'm gonna make you clean up more than what we talked about! Haha yes buddy, that's a threat!

I bought a cheesecake and tiramisu for my mom the other day. One for Mother's Day and one for her birthday.

She'll be working on those days so i bought them for her in advance. It's not much i know but I'm happy that she loved the cheesecake.

Tee hee. Speaking on my mom, i kinda played a little trick on her the other day. Don't worry though, it's a harmless one.

We were watching this Indonesian show when she fell asleep on the chair. I guess i was feeling a little cheeky so i kinda turned off the television and the fan and went into my room, leaving my mom alone in the living room. When my mom woke up a few minutes later, she have this shocked look on her face, it was priceless! I couldn't stop laughing at her cause it's just so funny to see her reaction!

What? You don't think it's funny? Pfft, then you're not retarded enough! Hmph!

I'm stuck in my ways, and that's the way it stays

I'm gonna finish up my presentation slides today with or without Nic's model pictures! (Hang on while i check my email for the long awaited document from him. *after a few moment* Seriously, I'm so mad at him right now!)

Nicholas Chui! You made me so mad!!

I went to school early yesterday to finish up the presentation slides but he didn't send me the pictures! What a waste of my time! Seriously, I'm gonna kill him the next time i see him.

But whatever! I have time to blog, chat with Alistair and flirt with this hot guy in Facebook. Can i confess something? I think TJ (Rob's friend) is kinda cute but i don't like him THAT WAY of course (duh)! Haha

Yeah, moving on!

I don't know what to wear on Friday! Tee hee, it's for my formal presentation. I still don't know if i wanna wear a skirt or pants, any suggestion? Should i wear glasses or contact lenses? If i decide on the lenses, should i use the green one or the black one (this one make my eyes look bigger, hehe!)? I know it doesn't seem important but i wanna look presentable for my presentation okay!

Anyhoo, there's a cute guy in Engineering School that is on the street hockey team. No people, i wasn't looking. He was coming down the stairs when i was walking towards Block 17! Tee hee, sorry! I'm a girl, what do you want me to do?

Sorry engineering boys, i still think the guys in Design School are hotter. Haha.

Oh oh! Did you watch Prison Break 3 on Monday? Yeah I've watched it online but i don't see anything wrong in watching it again right? I think Wentworth Miller lost a little weight, compared to the second season but he's still hot though! And Dominic Purcell too!

Okayyy, how did i get to Prison Break? Yeah whatever.

I love drama, I'm not denying it. I mean, my girlfriends and i have more drama than The Real World. It's fun, i have to admit that but not when the drama make it's way to school.

I find it rather unprofessional for a project group to be having constant drama. I'd rather not say the name, so let's just call her A.

I mean, she's a nice person but it's kinda irritating when A keep asking about the same question when we already explained to her over and over again. A keep saying that she don't know anything and when she ask questions, we refuse to teach her. It's not that we'll refuse, it's just that when we do, she'll claim that what we're doing is wrong just because the method of doing it is different from the lecturer.

I don't know, individually she's a okay but when she's put into a group, she just can't function well. Both as a leader and a group member.

It's gotta be her then right, since she have the same problem whichever group she's in. I don't wanna side with anybody and she telling me about how everyone else is treating her kinda puts me in the middle.

Both parties are my schoolmates and i have problems with neither sides so everytime each tell me their side of the story, i don't know what to say.

Well everybody know how A is like anyway, so usually I'll just nod my head. Not that I'm trying to keep my distant, it's just that I'd rather not get involved in the whole 'she said this, she said that' situation.

You get what i mean?

Gah, I'm so glad my group is free from all these drama stuff (except when i told Winnie that i was about to strangle Nic)!

Hmz, i wonder what happened to Eric. *thinking*

Screwed my mind, until i lose control

I'm a little bummed cause i won't be going for the Tioman trip on the 9th of May. I was really looking forward to the vacation since the three weeks of school have made me so stressed up. It's just been deadlines after deadlines and I'm gonna have my formal presentation this coming Friday.

Test are coming, quizzes and everything else. It's draining all of my energy.

Yeah, i have two days off school per week but hell, it's not enough! I understand nuts what the lecturer have been teaching so revising is totally a torture.

I need rest dammit!

A little pissed with a certain someone cause the work that person did was a little incomplete and it's making me frustrated. I mean, I'm not blaming that person fully cause i know how rushing everything is but sometimes we need to do our parts for the whole thing to finish faster.  But yeah, it's okay.

Misunderstandings are inevitable when you work in a group but what i like about my group is that we always get things together in the end.

Just that, right now, at this very moment, everybody's feeling the heat and the stress.

Oh dear, i think once the term is over, I'm gonna take advantage of the one week term break and just rest my ass off. If that's actually possible of course.

Then again, i have a feeling I'm gonna be doing reports (again) for the holidays since i have a research project for each subjects that I'm taking this semester. I've never felt so suffocated in my whole life. I thought the first year of poly was was, ha, i totally wasn't expecting this.

I'm really gonna be counting the days when i walk out of this school with my diploma and never have to step in this very school ever again. You all gonna count with me right? Haha, hee love the support you guys!

After this, I'm gonna take a break. Away from school and away from Singapore. Don't get me wrong, i love Singapore but sometimes, you just need to get away from everything that you're used to.

First country i wanna visit will HAVE to be Rome. And then Germany. Haha, anybody wanna follow me for the trip?

After the hardcore partying with the German guys, I'm going straight to the British men, baby! London, here i come!!

Haha, you know I'm just kidding about hooking up with those men right? Jeesh people, I'm not a whore!

I wonder where i wanna go next. Haha, we'll see which mood I'm gonna be in after that okay! Either to Michigan to poke Rob's eyes or to Canada to hug the living hell out of Alistair. It also have to depend on how nice they are to me! Haha.

Tee hee.

Oh please graduation day, come soon!

Don't respect the words you're speaking, gone too far

My parents are my everything (you all know that already) and no matter what wrongs either of them have done, I'll still forgive them. Believe me, i know how much they have sacrificed just to let me get to where i am today. I owe them so much more then i can ever repay in a few lifetimes.

But that's not the point of the post today.

One thing i hate more than stupid people is when people acts very disrespectful towards my mom (and my dad of course). I mean me, as a daughter, don't even do that. Who the hell do you (not pointing finger at anyone in particular) think you are trying to upper hand my mom?

I can understand if my mom did something wrong, but even so, it's not a reason whatsoever for anyone to treat my mom like that.

Of course, mothers are human too and they're not free from mistakes (no matter how much they think they are) but shouting and yelling at them is beyond rude.

Sorry, once again i got side tracked.

The thing is, i know my mom makes mistake and sometimes, i don't approve of what she does either but she is still my mom. I hate it so much when people think that they are right and try to 'educate' my mom on how to be a better mother, especially when they are not perfect mothers themselves.

You get what i mean?

In what right mind of yours, think that I'll be okay when you talk bad about my mom infront of me? What rights do you have, to fully place the blame on my mom on a problem that doesn't even concern you?

(Sorry, i got distracted while typing this cause Avenged Sevenfold was on MTV and i was staring at Zacky Vengeance)

I get very upset when someone call my mom stupid or belittle her infront of everyone. It's just not fair, you know. I don't really mind if the person who look down on her is better but they're not.

It's just stupid. Really annoying too, especially when it happens so often and they don't even wanna hear my mom's side of the story.

Gah! I'm seriously not pointing fingers at anybody. I have to say this because i just don't wanna cause any misunderstanding with anybody.

I'm just mad cause nobody knows what really goes on in this household but everyone have the nerves to point finger at my mom (even when it's not her fault). I feel that nobody gives my mom the respect she deserves and it's frustrating because she's being judged by people who don't even know what's going on (and only listen to gossip mongers).

I'm so sick and tired of having the other two people in the household fight about money all the time.

Argh! Oh my goodness, I'm so angry i could kill someone right now! You know what, since money is so important and my family is having financial problems, I'm seriously thinking of not going to University. Instead, i should just start working after graduation.

I'm gonna cut my hair and have purple highlights on them. Get Double D breast implants and go to UK to be a fucking stripper! Erggh! I heard strippers earn alot, just on tips alone. So I'll send money to mom every week.

Hmmz, i wonder if she'll accept all in $1 bills.

Oh well, toodles!