Why everybody is trying to be, living like a celebrity doing what they see on MTV

I think at some point in our lives we've battle with eating disorder. Probably not as serious as some of the people we've read about, and hopefully none of you almost died from it but I'm pretty sure we've all been there (yes boys, you too!).

Since I'm already talking about it, I'm gonna be honest okay. I too have gone through that phase. I'm calling it a phase because it was just for a short period of time.

During my secondary school years to be exact. Being slightly bigger than my peers was the most depressing situation ever, then! It was pressurizing because, whether you like it or not, everybody is judged by the way they look. Having to run in the basketball court during lunchtime wasn't helping either. It wasn't embarrassing really, cause we were having fun but getting stares from those retards was a little frustrating.

And don't even let me start talking about celebrities. Being a fan of gossip columns and people from the perfection driven world was really making MYSELF feel miserable.

Here's the thing, i used to be in love with this guy in class but being the normal me, of course it's the wrong guy. He was the kind of guy my girlfriends know i will be attracted to.

Tall, fair complexion, kind of a bad boy type but secretly a mummy's pet, a teaser and a little cheeky. Yeah, you know the kind. Although he treated all girls the same, you can tell that he prefer those stick-like girls, and popular in a sense where every guy has stuck their boneration into their separation (sorry about that, haha). We used to flirt alot during Geography class (he was sitting behind me) and i thought he did like me until he decided to date the skinny dumb ass.

I don't know who or what i did it for, i used to not eat and even tried purging the food out just to lose a few kilos. The worst part was that when i knew that it worked, cause i lost a drastic amount of weight, i started doing it often. Sometimes even when i don't eat, I'll try to vomit out whatever content that was in my system.

I guess i realized that it started to get a little dangerous when my stomach can't hold anything. The food i eat, the water i drink, would automatically be vomited out. It was scary, and not to mention painful! So after that, i started eating again. It was easy overcoming it cause my girlfriends are junk food lovers. Everytime we go out, we'll eat cause that's the cheapest thing to do.

Over the year, i did gain and lose kilos after kilos but I'm just happy that I'm healthy.

Well, i guess the stress of looking good is getting back to me once again. Not as dangerous as last time but the pressure of always trying to stay not fat is always there.

I eat, like one meal per day and sometimes i don't eat anything but apples for breakfast, lunch and dinner. It's getting pathetic cause i have this so called fat jeans that i wear on days when i don't feel at all comfortable with my  body.

I get so mad at myself whenever outfits fit me a little tighter. I beat myself up cause i get so guilty after eating that bowl of ice cream or that chocolate chip cookie.

Although my eating habits have changed dramatically (i only eat fastfood once a month, sometimes once in two month and i cut down on unhealthy snacks), i still feel sinful when i eat. Taking that appetite curbing pills help but it's just that it makes me a little cranky and paranoid even.

Whenever i eat (even if it's a little), i feel heavy. I start checking on every single parts of my body. My arms, my thighs, my tummy and even my fingers! I always think I've gained alot of weight after eating half portion of a meal,and then the next day I'll only eat an apple.

My eating habit continue that way, it's like a cycle.

I don't know if it's an eating disorder cause i do eat and i definitely do not binge eat or vomit out my food now but i have a feelings that it's not advisable to think that way.

Could it be a psychological problem or just the after-effect of what i went through in my teenage years. I think i should get help but i don't think it's a problem. It's not right?

I really don't know! I need opinions! Am i suffering from eating disorder or a psychological problem?!

Don't get me wrong people. I adore my body, i love it like it is. Just that sometimes being aesthetically enhanced doesn't sound like a bad idea.

I guess being around skinny people and all things stressing on perfection are a major aspect of what happened to me. And my goodness, my family will call you fat (even when you know you're not) just to get a reaction out of you.

It's pretty damaging i guess.

I'll always have a love/hate relationship with my body but one thing's for sure, I'll accept it the way it is. Flaws and all.

So why this desire in looking good rather than looking smart? I guess subconsciously, i know that most guys prefer looking rather than thinking. And even if they do think, sometimes they use the wrong head.

Pfft, photoshopped celebrities should be jailed!