Another X-Rated love story..

Here's the thing.. I've been single for so long and i told everyone that I'm not looking for anybody special for now right? Well, let's just say.. I've found, tried and left.. Not serious, just some no-strings attached flings..

Alex just don't seem to wanna leave.. He's been treating me extra nice, without the sex of course, and well, I'm kinda afraid that he'll have real feelings for me.. No, i ain't being thick-skinned but Alyssa told me not to lead him on if i don't really like him, like that kinda like.. I don't know, i do have a teeny tiny crush on him and that's just it.. A crush.. Everybody knows how long my crushes always last.. One day i like guy A, the next day i like guy B.. That's how i am, you know.. I just hope he won't go back on his word cause I'm not looking for a committed relationship right now.. I like having to be close to him without any agenda or feelings involved..

Speaking of relationship, there's this guy who's been waiting for me since like forever.. Yeah, I'm talking about Ryan.. We were together in 2002 for a brief period of time.. After the break-up, we started dating other people and i have to say no one treats me better than he treats me.. He's the best boyfriend ever.. He makes me feel secured and protected.. I did feel insecure that time cause he's hot and me, well I'm far from it.. Whatever though okay.. He's the only guy that makes me feel as if there's nothing to fear in this world.. Unlike my other exes, I'm the one who have to take care of them.. Some are afraid of a cockroach, even I'm not scared of them.. Worse, some are even afraid of a harmless worm.. Like, what the hell!? A worm, they don't even have legs.. They don't even bite!!

Back to Ryan, a few years back, he started talking about US again.. He wanna get back together with me, but as i told every guy i rejected, i told him the same thing.. "I'm not ready yet.."
That's the thing, i keep telling him that I'm not ready but it's one relationship after another.. I have commitment issues.. When a guy show signs of him being ready to settle down, i freaked out and screw everything up.. I don't wanna have to do that to Ryan.. He's the perfect guy.. He's hot, he has all the attributes of MY dream guy, he loves his family, he has a stable job and most importantly, he's financially stable and he's only 22!! I know of people who's in their late 20s and still jobless/job hopping.. PATHETIC! So, i don't see the reason why i can't accept him..

He knows my family background, he knows how i think, he's particularly knows about my tantrums and mood swings.. So far, only 2 people can sooth me when I'm having one of my attitude problem episode.. One is of course me, and the other is him..
He asked me if i still have feelings for him and well i kinda didn't answer him.. "Ryan, i will never not have feelings for you.. You forever will have my heart.."

I talked to Scofield, my love counselor, you know who you are.. Haha, well i call him Scofield cause he's a fan of Prison Break.. An even bigger fan than me!! Really!!

Yah well, Scofield told me to give Ryan one more shot cause the way it sounds, the relationship will work out.. I told him I'm not sure about it and he told me to ask myself WHY.. I told him I've got commitment issues and he kinda told me to think about it and why have i think that way..

Well, my parents fought alot when they were married and i was hardly 13 when they finalize their divorce paper.. I wanna have my own family.. You know, a house with a husband, a child or two but when i think about what my parents go through, I'm afraid that I'll end up just like them.. Ryan is being the nicest gentleman by giving me all the time in the world for me to work out my personal issues.. He offered to help but i said no, cause this is my problem..

I don't know, i like being single and jut mingle around with all the guy friends i have.. Though some of the time, i do miss being with Ryan..