You're talking behind my back, that's so high school..

Here's the thing okay people, I'm not trying to be rude but some people are just so childish.. If you've got something to say about me, the best person to discuss me with is well, ME! I'm sure you don't like people to talk about you behind your back, well so do i! I may not care but when you start spreading rumors about me to turn my friends away from me, that's just low-life.. "You're just pathetic bitch, get a life!"

If you're not happy with me about something, say it to my face.. Before you spread those lies, talk to me and not just tell me what's going on only after I've confronted you about it.. I don't care if you people hate, despise me but when it comes to talking ABOUT me, just be an adult and not be a bitch about it..

Here's the thing, I've heard that David's girlfriend, Bitch, have been talking crap about me.. I don't know what's her problem is, I've never talked to her, AT ALL! Never even said hi, just an acknowledging smile that's all.. I don't know anything about her and she don't know anything about me.. To tell everyone that you hated me and you think I'm dirrty is just so childish.. "What is wrong with you, seriously? You've got some psychoneurosis condition or something? I don't care if you hate me cause i kinda dislike you too but to talk about my sex life is totally uncalled for!" 

What i do with Alex, or any other guys for that matter, is none of people's business.. We don't go directly infront of other people's faces to do that, it's behind closed doors.. The thing is, I've never once hit on David.. He's a gorgeous guy but he's not my type.. For her to feel insecure about that is stupid.. She's a beautiful girl, no doubt about that but with that stupid attitude of hers, even the most ugliest girl is so much more prettier than her.. "Well Bitch, you want rumors.. Here's one, i heard you've got some kind of hygiene problem.. Oh it's true, I've heard it from someone.. Hey, maybe that's the reason why David haven't been wanting to have sex with you.. Isn't that fun?"

Okay, seriously i don't care about the rumors cause my friends knows me and they know not to believe in it but the thing that peeved me most is that when i confront her about it, she just wouldn't admit.. She say she heard it from someone, kinda pathetic don't you think so.. "Hey Bitch, I've heard alot of stuffs about you too, and whichever is true or not only you know, but the thing is i don't go around spreading what I've heard.. You're 22 and supposed to be more mature then i am.. All i wanna ask you right now is this, 'What have you got to gain with all these bullshits you're doing?' If it's attention you want, this is not the way.."

I know David is feeling the tension whenever we hang out cause he'll bring his girlfriend along.. He told me he felt guilty about it.. "David, you don't have to feel guilty cause it's not at all your fault.. Yah, she's your girlfriend but i can understand if you can't control her.. I love you David, you know i do but your girlfriend is a whore!"

I'm not gonna pretend as if i like her and be friends with her, I'm not gonna do that.. She's lucky that this is all i did.. If one more time she steps on my tail, I'm not gonna be sorry if i did something to her.. Whatever, I'm not gonna sink myself to her level cause she's just so low.. "See ya Bitch!"

Santa can you hear me, i have been so good this year..

Dear Santa,

   I hope it is not too late for me to send this letter. I have been a really good girl this year so you better give me what i want.

  Well anywayz, i saw you at Northpoint earlier this week and i wanted to go over to sit on your lap to tell you my wish list but Violet refused to let me say HI.. Tee hee, though i hope this letter will reach you before the eve of Christmas.
   

  Hmmz, let's make this wish list short.. I've got to have my new year's kiss this year. I've gone 2 years without a kiss from my dream man, how pathetic can that be!? Well, with that in mind.. All i want is one thing.. 'SIR KILLSALOT' Just one guy that can sweep me off my feet.. Instead of coming in on a white horse and a shining armour, i want my gothic dream guy to be in a fireman suit driving a metallic black Lamborghini Gallardo with red leather interior! That's not much at all izzit Santa, in comparison to the hundred million undeserving children that you give stupid presents to..

  This isn't just any Christmas list Santa.. You can't say I'm selfish cause i do think about other people too.. You see, a few days back i have just turned 20.. Of course i ain't complaining cause I've got to celebrate my birthday twice this year.. Oh by the way, i also would like you to give a thank you card to everybody who wished me on my special day! Give a big wet kiss to Mikael cause he remembered my birthday too, which i think is pretty sweet!

  Like i said, I'm grateful that i get to celebrate my birthday twice this year.. Once on the 10th December, with Lisa and second on my special day itself, 14th December.. It's kinda sweet for my family to do that cause i didn't get to celebrate it last year.. Tee hee, Uncle Jimmy said he wanna buy me a guitar so he can teach me.. I've always wanted to learn how to play the guitar but I've been too busy with school and i don't think I'm musically talented so i need a longer time to learn.. Yeah i did learn it last time but i didn't practice and i very much refuse to cut my fingernails.. I know i know, if i wanna do something, i should put my heart and soul into it.. Yes Santa, i promise i will do what i have to do..

   I promised to make this letter short, so i guess I'll end it here.. Don't forget Santa baby, i want my Sir Killsalot this Christmas.. Oh before i forget, my home doesn't have a chimney, so I'll leave my doors unlock for my presents to be delivered to me.. Also, don't forget the big red bow on my Sir Killsalot, he's gonna look yummy.. I don't have a Christmas tree so you can leave him under my bed..

Yes Santa honey, I'll leave a glass of milk and a plate of Famous Amos cookies beside the window so you can help yourself to them. Love you Santa..

Cookies and milk,
Arynne

Thousands of flowers exploded into butterflies..

Thursdays are gonna be much more fun! With Criss Angel at 8pm and Michael Scofield at 10pm?? Haha hot guys overdrive! *Slurps* The two guys i so wanna fuck but of course this can only happen in my dreams.. So i cherish my sleeping time alot! Haha, i sound like a pervert, don't i?
Haha, this is so fun right! Criss Angel.. Who doesn't like Criss Angel!? Oh yah, Violet don't.. Haha, but whatever.. "Criss Angel or Wentworth Miller, if you're reading this.. Drop me a line k, gorgeous! Haha.. Get a life Arynne!"

I start school at 1 today and i don't feel like going at all just now cause it was raining so heavily.. Like fucking cats and dogs.. Why izzit called raining cats and dogs anyway and not cats and mice or dogs and bones? Haa, okay if anybody can answer me that, leave me a comment k! Haha.. Yeah anyway, i don't feel like going but i have to as it's my term test next week and I'm sure the lecturers will give us tips!
Another reason why i wanna go to school is because i wanna see that guy in my Math lecture.. Should give him a name, let's name him Conner.. Haha, sucky name i know but i don't wanna spend too much time thinking of a name.. I was basically feeling bored the whole day.. Tired and basically mentally exhausted when i heard the lecture theater door opened.. Okay honestly, in my heart i was wishing it was Conner and it was! Haha, suddenly i smiled.. Luckily nobody saw it or people might think I'm crazy! It's hard to find me smiling but when i do, i can't stop! Haha, he was wearing a long sleeved black shirt with blue jeans and white based shoes.. Metal-rimmed specs and spiky hair.. Haha, damn! I'm describing him in my blog, just hope that he won't accidentally come across my profile and read this.. Haha, but at last! Mages is convinced that he's a freaking Malay! Yeah enough about him.. Haha..

I finished school at 4 today so i met up with Alyssa and some of the girls.. Went to Long John to eat and then just walk around Tampines Mall for a while.. Just chilling and the other girls have to go so just left Alyssa and me.. We're like two drunk girls walking in that Tampines Interchange, laughing non-stop.. Kinda weird how we both make each other so happy..
After that, i wanna go home cause tomorrow i got school and Alyssa has to work tonight.. The queue for the bus is super long so we decided to cheat.. Haha, we saw this group of guys in the queue and we just went in their line and start talking and stuff..We don't even know them but we talked as if we known each other since babies.. The guys don't seem to mind though and when the bus came, they let us go first so it's like their behind us now.. "Haha, thanks you guys!"

Ha, my mom told me that if i wanna find a husband, make sure he can support me and show me to the right path.. I told her that i don't wanna get married and she kinda approved of it.. Then i told her i don't mind co-cohabiting and have kids but i don't wanna get married, then she gets all naggy and thinks that I'm crazy.. Haha.. To me, being married is just a reason for guys to have an excuse in exploiting and be possessive to us women! I don't like being controlled, especially being tied down like that..
I told Ryan about it, and surprisingly he supports my idea.. I think he's just being nice and trying to get into my good books.. "You don't need to do that Ryan, you're already in it.. " I know he wanna settle down and stuff but i told him that he's too young, he's only 22 but he's already talking about marriage.. Alyssa told me that he's hinting to me.. I know that, i like having his attention on me 24/7.. Haha, Ryan knows that i wanna give him a shot on the relationship but he also knows that my studies are very important to me.. So we kinda have this unspoken bond thingy going on..

Oh well, one day maybe I'll be able to accept him openly.. For now, studies come first.. "Love ya Ryan!"

I've got a crush on you..

Ha, i can't wait for Math lecture tomorrow.. Well, i have a crush on this guy in my math lecture.. No, not from my class or my other Mechatronics classes cause if he is, i will know.. Haha, just hope he come tomorrow so i can have a feast for my eyes.. Haha..
Was having a slight disagreement with a lecture mate of mine about this guy.. I said he's Malay and Mages (my lecture mate) insisted that he's Chinese.. We were having this stupid argument while listening to our math lecturer explaining LaPlace Inverse.. Sucks i know, luckily i can multi-task.. Well, before the argument get bigger i seek a view from another lecture mate of mine, Winnie.. Haha, Winnie also said he's Chinese but i still say he's Malay.. Yah, he looks Chinese but there's just something in his eyes that makes me stick to my judgment about him being Malay.. The conversation continued for a few minutes when Winnie got fed up.. "Go ask lah, easier! Go talk to him.." Haha, she make sense but no way am i gonna do that.. Haha, i don't even know him.. I just can't go up to him and say "Hey, my friends and i are having a slight argument about this certain topic, we were wondering if we can have your thoughts about it.. well, are you Malay or Chinese?" Kinda stoopid right! Haha of course i was admiring him from afar.. Whenever he walks through that lecture theater door, I'll be all smiles suddenly.. I will tell Mages about it and she'll look directly at him! "Can you be more obvious, Mages!? So embarrassing!!" Well anyway, it doesn't matter.. Haha, my crushes always lasted for less than a week.. My crush will only surface when i see that person.. Kinda weird how it works.. Well, enough about him..

I'm gonna be 20 soon! Oh my goodness, who would have though my teenage years will be over so soon! Tsk tsk, i feel so old.. My friendster contact list is full of youngsters.. Ranges from 15-19! Haha, I'm chatting to two 17 year old emo boys right now and haha, it makes me look older, naturally! But they're cool though.. Very fun to chat with..
Well yeah, i wish i could turn back time and go back to 16 years old.. I'm not even 20 yet but i already miss being a teenager! I don't think I'm gonna celebrate my birthday though cause I'm having Programmable Automation term test on that day, fucking fucked up schedule! "Why!! Why on my birthday!!!"
Anyway, it's kind weird to think that some people think I'm 15 or 16! Haha.. I don't look THAT young, do i? Well, Zacky told me that it's better to look younger.. I guess he's right.. Haha wee! I look young.. "Okay stop it Arynne!"

Didn't go for Sociology tutorial today.. Kinda busy with Machining Technology CAD assignment.. Has to be passed up by today, the teacher was also very fussy.. Even rejected the assignment when one dimension was out of line, so we have to redo it all over again.. GRR!!
Met up with Ryan just now cause he wanna send me home.. I agreed cause it's been such a long time since we hung out.. Went for a walk first and bumped into some of my friendster mates.. It's funny that they can recognize me outside.. "Haha, sorry you guys.. It's not that I'm arrogant or what but i can't remember faces from pictures, unless i met you once before.." Haha, here's the thing, when i walk i just look straight.. I don't take notice of my surroundings.. So even if you walked pass beside me and never say hi, most probably i never saw you! Yah.. And i look fierce cause i don't smile.. "Haha yah i know.. I've got emo hair.." My hair was so limp just now, irritating! "Oh, and no guys.. Ryan is not my boyfriend.. Yah i know, he looks so sombong right.. He don't know you guys that's why he never talk.. Don't let his tattoos scare you, he's actually a nice guy.."

"Okay people, the next time you see me outside.. Say hi to me first cause higher chances that i didn't notice you! For those who have my number just gimme a ring just incase i walked pass you.."

I look like a boy..

Just to let everyone know that I'm now updating my blog without the light and the fan on.. Total darkness.. I don't mind the darkness at all really, just the stuffiness! I need the fan! Haha, luckily it's raining so the weather ain't that hot.. Wanna know what happened? I don't even know.. My mom was mopping the floor when she wanna turn on the fan to let the floor dry faster, when suddenly the electricity got cut off.. She blew the fuse! But never mind about that, after she turned on the main switch from the power box everything was fine or so i thought..

The weird thing is, when i get home.. I can't turn on the lights and the fan in the living room.. The lights in the kitchen and of course the bathroom also can't be turned on.. So freaky, but the electricity in my room is fine.. The television and my laptop also can be turned on.. Hmmz, i wonder why.. Haha, i guess this is where my study in mechatronics comes in.. Where is Michael Scofield when we need him! Okay sorry, out of context..

My term test is coming next week and I've been preparing for it.. I can't understand Microcontroller Technology though.. I think i should really ace the project just in case i screw up the written paper.. I'm not really worried about Engineering Mathematics 3 though cause i like math and it's easy for me to understand it.. Principles of Dynamic, well it's a half-half thingy cause it's only 2 chapters and i can easily understand the basic and Chapter 14 is pretty easy.. Oh well, we'll see how it goes.. Haha exams always makes me so nervous..

Oh! Haha, i just found out that there's a cute goth guy living on my block.. Not my floor though, damn! Wasted man! Haha.. Anyway, i was waiting for the lift to come so i was looking at my reflection on the lift door's glass when the lift door open.. Woo! Our eyes met and he smiled.. I think i was blushing cause my face feels hot.. Today of all days! I was wearing like a boy! I was wearing Alex's Macbeth shirt with my straight cut pants and Converse shoes, and Alex's sling bag.. Well, to make thing worse i was wearing a cap with my hair all bundled up inside it with my fringe hanging loose.. The eyeliner doesn't help either in identifying that I'm a girl cause guys now wear eyeliner too.. Black painted nails and all those bracelets.. I look like a typical emo GUY! Emphasizing on the guy.. Haha.. Whatever you know.. I'm so over guys..

School start late for me today so i decided to hang out with Alex and David.. They're being very suspiciously close now, with all those whispers and stuffs.. It's damn easy to mistake them for gays.. BUT! I can assure you they're not cause David already have a girlfriend, a gorgeous one at that! Alex is a great lover and he gets so turned on by girls so, yeah he's not gay! Bisexuals maybe? I don't care cause they're pretty hot..
Did nothing today though, been camwhoring with the other two dudes.. Haha, took pictures of me kissing Alex and damn do i look like a boy or what!! Sheesh man, I'm not gonna wear a cap ever again.. Missed hanging out with them cause I've been very busy with school and today was fun.. Adam, Justin and Alyssa wasn't there but it's okay.. Just being with Alex and David is like having a kid in a room full of candy! Yah, they make me high somehow.. Haha emo guys are fun to be with so don't judge them as being too sensitive.. They're caring and sweet-natured people.. It's true!!

Anyway, there's this guy in my Friendster list.. Haha he's so far my favourite guy right now.. He's the only guy who openly admits that he liked bisexual guys.. Send me all this emo guy-on-guy action pictures.. Loves it! Haha, i told him being bisexual is fun and now he's thinking of trying it for himself.. "You know who you are.. Haha, I'm not trying to corrupt you but just keep an open mind.. You're still young, why just stick to one gender when you can explore both!"
Spent the whole night talking to him about all this emo gays.. Haha, he's been a great friend by helping me find emo boys to become my victims.. Haha, but he keep picking young boys.. 16-18.. Too young for me! Haha i don't wanna be labeled as some kind of pervert who preys on young kids.. Haha, but one kid caught my eye though, i can't remember his Friendster's screen name but he's a pretty boy.. Hot emo guy.. Haha whatever..

Can't live with them, can't live without them..

Yeah babes, I'm talking about boys.. Isn't it funny that some girls fight about or over them? I mean, if they're worth it then by all means but if they're like the type of guys where you can find with just a click of a finger then get fucking over it.. They're just guys, don't make it obvious that you're so into them.. Some guys get so big-headed when girls do that.. So girls, don't.. Seriously, DON'T lose your morals for some guy.. It's not worth it..

"They should make boyfriend stealing illegal," some girl said.. Here's the thing, i don't necessarily agree with the sentence but of course, there's an 'unspoken girls' rule' about you stealing your bestfriend's boyfriend.. Some girls get so freaked when other girls talk to their boyfriend.. I mean, chill girl.. It's just talking, you know? Don't get all psycho and all.. See, that's the reason why guys leave you for other girls.. Don't get too obsessive or possessive, it's just not a turn on trait for girls..

Some girls go around telling people which guy they have a crush on just so other girls won't go for the same guy as them, which i think is pretty pathetic.. It's like so what if you like that guy, that doesn't necessarily mean that that guy likes you back, get a life girls.. I don't know, i just think that it's pretty weird for girls to act like that.. "I dated him during our primary school days, so you're not allowed to touch him." You know, something like that?? That's EXACTLY how it is..

It's just frustrating to know that girls are fighting amongst ourselves just because of guys.. Here's the thing girls, the next time another girl compliment or hits on your guy, just say 'Thanx'.. Take it as a compliment when other girls show interest on your man, it shows that you have great taste.. It's like killing two birds with one stone.. Showing your man that you have self-confidence and showing the other girl that you are not at all threatened by her presence..

Save the drama for your mama..

Aunt Maz made a really good point when she said "What's the use of having too many close girl friends, cause not everyone can be there for you in times of need.." It's kinda true isn't it? I have lots of girl friends but only two of them stand out the most.. You've got it right, Sally and Belle.. Of course Violet too but she's my cousin and we grew up together, so she's not counted.. Tee hee..

Used to go around during secondary school with a group of girls.. Phoebe, Kat, Belle, Violet, Sally, Mitch, Farrah, Rebbecca.. But when you put a group of girls with totally different personality together, there's bound to be cattiness.. Hey, being a bitch is what a girl do best but some of us are a much bigger slut..

I know when i first came to Yishun Secondary, most girls don't like me.. Hey, it's those stereotypes of new girl kinda stuff but whatever.. I'm not the kind who smile at people even if they're in the same class as me.. I look arrogant cause i don't like to talk or socialize.. No I'm not an outcast or a anti-social, i just don't like to mingle.. I know that Kat, Mitch and Farrah don't like me.. They make it so obvious by being cold towards me and i heard what they said about me, but let's just keep it under wraps.. Kelly and her friends too don't like me but heck, i don't like her either.. As for Sally, i really didn't notice her until Sec 3 when we went to the same class.. Phoebe and Belle was the nicest to me, they were the first ones to talk to me.. Rebbecca, in my malay class.. She's the nice girl who is friendly to everyone..

I can understand why they think i was intruding.. Well you see, i went to the new school during the 2nd semester level.. Sec 1, second semester.. They had like 6 months to mingle and get to know each other, so i guess when i came, they don't like it.. okay, i don't know.. This is the reason why i don't like hanging out with too much Malay girls.. They are full of dramas.. When they got to know me better, i found out that even some people in their own cliques don't like each other..

Of course, Belle and I become close and we're bestfriends ever since.. She confide in me and i confide in her.. When i first came in the school i noticed that the express stream people just hang out with the express stream people, even though they know they hate each other.. It's what society expects them to do.. The higher class with the higher class, the lower class with the lower class.. Violet was my cousin and she's in the normal-acad stream unlike the rest of us so some of the express stream students don't really like my cousin and her friends for that pathetic lame reason.. I don't think i was being deviant by breaking the norm just to hang out with my cousin and her friends since they're so much nicer and accepting than my own classmates.. Truthfully the guys were okay, it's just the girls.. It's just so stupid that they think they own the class just because they have the numbers..

I guess time passed and they decided to accept me and stop treating me like an outsider.. I know that Mitch and Farrah still don't like me.. I guess it's cause i get along with everyone else as I'm much nicer than them..
Mitch and Farrah are like the typical bitches that everyone hates.. Well, that's what i thought in the first place anyway.. After getting to know them, Mitch was actually a nice person and i got to find out from herself that she don't like Farrah.. Whatever, it ain't my problem anyway..

Somehow, Kat, Phoebe, Belle, Violet, Kelly and me become closer, I'm not really sure how cause i know everyone of those girls, including me hates Kelly so much.. Kelly is that whore you have in every cliques where she thinks she's the most prettiest and the most popular amongst the guys when actually she's not.. Yeah, that's her.. She brings drama to the group.. Wherever she goes, drama follows..

She changes bestfriends and boyfriends so much more than she changed her bra.. I guess she likes the attention, maybe she was deprived that as a kid but that's another story..

I don't know, there's just so much drama going on that high school really was a bitch!

Another X-Rated love story..

Here's the thing.. I've been single for so long and i told everyone that I'm not looking for anybody special for now right? Well, let's just say.. I've found, tried and left.. Not serious, just some no-strings attached flings..

Alex just don't seem to wanna leave.. He's been treating me extra nice, without the sex of course, and well, I'm kinda afraid that he'll have real feelings for me.. No, i ain't being thick-skinned but Alyssa told me not to lead him on if i don't really like him, like that kinda like.. I don't know, i do have a teeny tiny crush on him and that's just it.. A crush.. Everybody knows how long my crushes always last.. One day i like guy A, the next day i like guy B.. That's how i am, you know.. I just hope he won't go back on his word cause I'm not looking for a committed relationship right now.. I like having to be close to him without any agenda or feelings involved..

Speaking of relationship, there's this guy who's been waiting for me since like forever.. Yeah, I'm talking about Ryan.. We were together in 2002 for a brief period of time.. After the break-up, we started dating other people and i have to say no one treats me better than he treats me.. He's the best boyfriend ever.. He makes me feel secured and protected.. I did feel insecure that time cause he's hot and me, well I'm far from it.. Whatever though okay.. He's the only guy that makes me feel as if there's nothing to fear in this world.. Unlike my other exes, I'm the one who have to take care of them.. Some are afraid of a cockroach, even I'm not scared of them.. Worse, some are even afraid of a harmless worm.. Like, what the hell!? A worm, they don't even have legs.. They don't even bite!!

Back to Ryan, a few years back, he started talking about US again.. He wanna get back together with me, but as i told every guy i rejected, i told him the same thing.. "I'm not ready yet.."
That's the thing, i keep telling him that I'm not ready but it's one relationship after another.. I have commitment issues.. When a guy show signs of him being ready to settle down, i freaked out and screw everything up.. I don't wanna have to do that to Ryan.. He's the perfect guy.. He's hot, he has all the attributes of MY dream guy, he loves his family, he has a stable job and most importantly, he's financially stable and he's only 22!! I know of people who's in their late 20s and still jobless/job hopping.. PATHETIC! So, i don't see the reason why i can't accept him..

He knows my family background, he knows how i think, he's particularly knows about my tantrums and mood swings.. So far, only 2 people can sooth me when I'm having one of my attitude problem episode.. One is of course me, and the other is him..
He asked me if i still have feelings for him and well i kinda didn't answer him.. "Ryan, i will never not have feelings for you.. You forever will have my heart.."

I talked to Scofield, my love counselor, you know who you are.. Haha, well i call him Scofield cause he's a fan of Prison Break.. An even bigger fan than me!! Really!!

Yah well, Scofield told me to give Ryan one more shot cause the way it sounds, the relationship will work out.. I told him I'm not sure about it and he told me to ask myself WHY.. I told him I've got commitment issues and he kinda told me to think about it and why have i think that way..

Well, my parents fought alot when they were married and i was hardly 13 when they finalize their divorce paper.. I wanna have my own family.. You know, a house with a husband, a child or two but when i think about what my parents go through, I'm afraid that I'll end up just like them.. Ryan is being the nicest gentleman by giving me all the time in the world for me to work out my personal issues.. He offered to help but i said no, cause this is my problem..

I don't know, i like being single and jut mingle around with all the guy friends i have.. Though some of the time, i do miss being with Ryan.. 

You know i don't give a fuck, so here we go..

Haha, after the previous post, i received some messages and text messages from 'overly-concerned friends'.. Anyways, i would like to apologize to those who sent me an sms yesterday but didn't reply.. I  was 'busy'.. Hua hua *evil laugh*

Okay, not really busy but i was with Alex.. I was at his house just chilling and watching X-Men.. I kinda dozed off in the middle of the movie cause i was freaking tired.. I finished school at 1 and it's like 2 hours of boring lectures.. I'm not saying it for the sake of saying it but the last lecture was really boring! The lecturer was horrible, she keeps repeating her words two to three times, she can't even explain properly.. "Oh yah Violet, when you want the dress again? Friday right?? Sorry never reply to your message yesterday.. I'll bring the dress when i go to your house, so wanna borrow my emo-inspired pumps?? Haha"

Well anyway went to Alex house yesterday and no i did not stay overnight or my mom will literally kill me.. She just have this thing about me staying over at guy's house, don't see what the big deal is.. I don't think it's an act of deviance or anything, just a sleepover.. Anyhow, his parents and sister wasn't home so i was a little uncomfortable but he said I'm just being a hard ass.. "It's not the first time anyway," he said. So rude right but he's right.. It wasn't the first time i stepped into his house without anyone home.. Still, it's not nice if his neighbours saw us.. You all know what will happen then, yeap gossips.. I don't know why people have to be so busybody.. They only see other people's faults but their own flaws, they don't see.. Idiots!

I was in his oversize hockey jersey so, i felt extremely cold cause the air-condition was on.. I like wearing big shirts when I'm at home.. So comfortable and so free, haha.. Yeah as i was saying, i fell asleep halfway through the movie.. He keep waking me up but i guess he gave up cause i fall asleep again whenever i wake up.. I think i woke around 5 plus, and i saw Alex sleeping beside me.. So sweet, no wonder i feel the warmth.. Body heat is da bomb! Ha, whatever.. Tried to wake him up but he wouldn't budge.. That's him, and usually i have to shout in his ear to wake him up like fully but yesterday i didn't cause i was being nice.. So i just turn on his comp and just surfing the Internet.. Was damn bored, so i decided to play with the web cam.. His bandmates was online so we kinda webchat.. Surprise surprise, i got hold of his digicam and started camwhoring.. Took pictures of him sleeping, looked just like an angel with that slight pout on his lips.. He's a messy person, and always leave his things lying around.. What do you expect from an emo guy right.. Decided to turn his room
upside right again, and i found some DIRRTY pictures.. No, I'm not gonna tell you people what cause i need to protect the identity of the (not so, haha) innocent.. "Speaking of pictures, Alex my dear, when are you gonna transfer those pictures to the computer.. I want them! Yes, all of them!! Even the, yeah you know what I'm talking about.."

I got bored all over again, well i get bored easily so i need constant entertainment.. It was almost 7 in the evening but he still haven't wake up.. So i kinda jumped on his bed and making lots of noise, thank goodness it worked! Yeah, i don't think i should state what we did after that..

Showered and Alex got hungry so he forced me to cook.. Here's the thing, I've never cooked for anyone before except my family and of course, Ryan.. Other than them, I've never even imagine cooking for anybody else.. Although i didn't want to, i had to cause he said he was super hungry.. Cooked fried rice for him and fry an egg and some chicken fillets.. He's an enormous eater.. I think he has a second stomach somewhere in his super gorgeous body.. Haha.. He keep stuffing me but i don't like fried rice and everybody knows that except him!! Hua hua.. I need to lose some pounds but he keep feeding me.. "Alex, i know you like your girls with meat, chubby girls turn you on but i don't want to gain anymore kilos.." He kinda mourns when i said I'm dieting and trying to lose weight.. Kinda weird cause so far, only Ryan have confessed about his interest in chubby girls and now Alex.. Cool! Atleast they're not like those guys who go for physical attraction..

Alex got worried when i told him my menstruation was late by a week.. Of course it's nothing cause my period is sometimes irregular especially when it comes to the end of the year.. So i told him there's nothing to worry about.. I still don't see why he's so scared.. "Hua, next time no more unprotected sex.. Ha, whatever.."

You've made the wrong decision and it's easy to see..

I'm in school in the Free Access Lab, alone waiting for my friend and Sociology class which starts at 4pm and ends at 6pm.. Well I'm not technically alone cause there's other people in the lab using the Internet either for  project or just to pass the time but I'm the only one who's by myself and not in a group or with someone.. Whatever, the two Indian girls behind me are being so stupidly noisy.. I rather listen to the sound of people typing on the keyboard than them talking.. No, it's not a racist comment so don't have any idea on suing me just because i speak my mind.. Stupid..

Actually, I've been thinking.. Why must people care so much about what other people write in their blog? I mean, why the suing and stuff.. It's OUR blog and it's OUR freaking business what we wanna write in it.. It's stupid to limit the topics on what we wanna write about in OUR own blog.. I mean, so what if someone made a racist comment or even a rude remark.. I thought the government always educates self-expression but when we DO express ourselves and when we DO say things that are actually on our mind, we get sued?? What's the deal dude?! I cannot stress enough how much of a make-over Singaporean need to have.. No, not in terms of how they dress or how they look, but instead on how they think.. Don't you people agree with me? Well, maybe it's just me..

I'm someone who likes to speak what's on my mind.. Truthfully, i usually say things that only affects me and i don't always think about other people's feelings.. I'm sure lots of people are like that, but usually most of them are so desperate to be accepted by their peers or want to be liked by everyone, they tend to 'sugar-coat' their words.. It's stupid.. Just say how you feel, damn it! Why must you care about how other people think or feel when they don't even give a hoot about you.. Yeah yeah, my parents do and so does some close friends.. I admit that they really truly care but you gotta live life the way YOU want it and not how OTHER PEOPLE want you to.. I don't consider myself a rebel but sometimes, you need to take care of somethings your own way..

Well anyway, my purpose in updating my blog is not about what i just wrote.. Haha, it's cool how one thing can be led to another.. Just like gossips.. Well, I'm not gonna get into that or i won't finish my purpose of writing this stupid post..

I just finished a talk or a lecture on 'Love'.. Jeesh.. 'How to find LOVE in all the RIGHT places'.. About BGR and stuffs and it actually got me thinking, not that i don't think that is..  It's hard finding the right guy or girl, isn't it? What is the difference between a date and a relationship? "You can get out of a date but when you're in a relationship it's harder to leave", someone in the auditorium said.. But izzit actually true? Why izzit that often it's the guys that find it much easier to get out of a relationship while the girl will brood over it for some time, though we do get over it.. Haha, I'm not gonna pretend as if I'm an expert and start analyzing cause honestly, i don't know..

It got me thinking about something else too though.. Does having physical intimacy means you're actually in love with that person? To me, not really.. You can have sex but bear no feelings for that person.. This is what i find out, when you're in a committed relationship, your body propels straight to the 'lust' part.. I guess this is when the guy start asking for favours by using the 'love' word.. "Seriously guys, don't get LOVE involve in this cause you and i both know that it's not about love.. It's all about fulfilling your selfish desires.."
You see, some guys plead and beg for that intimate relationship with their partner.. Usually they'll get terribly upset when the girls say no! I think it's effing stupid that some guys even cheat just because the girls wouldn't have sex with them.. To me, if the guy don't understand the word 'NO' then we might just as well let the relationship end.. I'm not saying i know everything but that's what i think anyway..

Some couples even fight about this topic.. "To fuck or not to fuck, that is the question.." Well, the answer's so obvious isn't it? If you don't feel like it then say no.. And guys, don't get all grouchy and nonsense just because your needs isn't met.. Stupid..

This is the thing about guys, they don't understand how a girl feels! It's not easy for us girls to give a huge part of ourselves to you just because you say 'you love us'.. When we say no, they throw tantrums.. When we say yes, they keep asking for more.. Yes, some girls do get depressed after losing their virginity and they tend to be very moody but some guys are just so insensitive.. Instead of being there for the girls, they will start blaming the girls instead.. Some will even say "You should have just say NO.." Dude!! What have we been saying all this while before we unwillingly give ourselves to you..

"You guys should start thinking using the right HEAD and stop your testerones from making your decisions for you.. That's what the brain is for.."

Save me from the nothing i've become..

Okay, so this post is dedicated to Boi and Boi alone, you know who you are huh.. Yeah you, the one who always make the 'sendok' jokes.. Hua hua..

"First of all, of course i would like to wish you and you family Selamat Hari Raya.. You still get hari raya collection right?? Erhm, pass here some lah, i never get already.. Haha.. No just kidding..

Anyway, the purpose of this post is to thank you for doing me a huge HUGE HUGE HUGE favour.. You have no idea how you have saved my ass! So here, infront of everyone who's reading this, let them be my witness, i promise you that i will study hard for all my tests and exams!"

Haha yah, i know most of you, especially my girlfriends, Sally and Belle will wonder why i make this kinda promise! Well, cause he paid for my school books! Yes he did.. I was waiting for SOMEONE to pay me back the money he owe me but he didn't, and he didn't even contact me so i guess he's never gonna pay me back.. Well, that money was supposed to be for my school books but since he needed it more than i do at that time, i lent him first because he said he's gonna pay me at the end of the month, which was last month.. When the time comes, he still haven't paid me back and well, i was left with no books!

You should see the look on my mother's face when i told her that, and of course i got scolded.. I'm gonna tell you this, I'm never gonna be nice anymore cause kindness got me nowhere.. This is me, i may be mean or cruel or evil like everybody says i am but I'm very generous.. That's why it's hard to say 'no' when my closed ones asked for help financially.. Of course, if i don't have the money i will say no, but the probability of me saying 'yes' is much higher.. Ask anyone, they'll vouch for me.. But this is not about me now..

Back to Boi, he's a really really nice guy.. "So girls, if you're interested.. *winks winks*" I'd go for him if it wasn't for the fact that he's younger than me.. Haha, no just kidding.. I don't think we're each other's type anyway..

Well, he's a great friend.. He volunteered to pay for my school books but i told him I'll pay him back as soon as possible cause that's only fair.. You have no idea how much i owe him.. It's like school is my life, well part of my life at least, and he saved me! "Eh Boi, does that make you my hero?? Haha" Weee, i have a hero! Not my 'Sir KillsAlot' but still the knight in shining armour, no doubt..

My foot on your neck, i finally have you right where i want you..

This is the second week of school and i still haven't bought my book, thanx to a certain someone.. No, I'm not blaming him but i mean come on, it's already the end of the month and well, he still haven't contacted me.. "You, if you're reading this and you know who you are.. Please please please, drop me a message or gimme a call cause i can't get through your line.. I seriously need it to buy my books cause i need to study for my tests.. I wouldn't rush you if it's not urgent but this is VERY VERY VERY important!! Sorry.."

Yeah well, my new semester's subjects are SUPER tough.. The books are super expensive! Haha, one of the book cost nearly $50, like sheesh! Get real, not all the students there are working and my parents wouldn't pay for my book cause they want me to be 'independant'. What great timing! Jeesh..

Was supposed to go shopping with Violet today but she postponed it to tomorrow cause she has project to do.. Finished school early today so met up with Alex and his bandmates.. Alyssa, my lesbian partner, was there too.. Haha, my lesbian partner.. Weird but true.. I'm identity issues okay.. I LOVE boys but i like girls too.. Sexually confused, people might say.. Hung out with the gang and kinda listened to Alex and his bandmates jammed to a screamo song by 'Atreyu'.. "Eh Adam, mind you don't have throat infection.. Your scream power but take care of your throat babe!"

Okay, here's the confession.. Alex and i are having a 'friendly relationship', you know where we're both with each other but still considered single and can still date other people.. Yah, no strings attached which i think is so much better. You won't expect too much from each other and naturally, you won't get hurt or hurt the other person. Being bisexual is also fun cause once you get tired of guys, you can have girls.. Jeesh, i think something went terribly wrong somewhere with me but i like being me.. It's fun being an Atheist bisexual.. Hua hua whatever..

Alyssa, she's pretty.. Her family's a Muslim convert, born Chinese though.. There's just something attractive about her cause she don't look Chinese AT ALL! She always thinks she's adopted cause she's nothing like her other siblings and family member.. I like her and she likes me.. Haha, she's actually Ryan's cousin and we have this kinda on/off relationship going on.. Justin, Alyssa's boyfriend, don't really mind about us so yeah, i guess it's pretty cool.. "Love you babe!"

Alex baby.. He's super gorgeous, can be said out of my league but i got him! Haha, yes Violet.. Go green sweetie! He's half-Malay, a quarter Indonesian and another quarter Portuguese.. No, i don't always go for Eurasians, cause i actually like Chinese guys.. I think i like fair guys, i have no idea why.. It's been an interest of mine since young..
Anywayz Alex is fair, with light brown eyes and dark hair.. Well, he dyed his hair jet black so he's cheating a bit.. Who the hell cares anyway, light eyes with dark hair, GORGEOUS!
As you all know, there's something about emo guys and their hair.. Yeap, like me, Alex hates other people touching his hair. Come to think of it, he's more vain than me! Not even a strand of hair is to be out of place or he'll get nasty.. Well that's what his bandmates told me anyway..
It's so sweet of Alex to tug my out-of-place hair beside my ear.. I always think i have messy hair but people just keep telling me it's not.. My hair is like super layered and super straight so when it's messy, it doesn't look messy.. Kinda weird how 'hair logic' works.. Whatever! Hua hua..

It's okay.. Alex is not the stereotype emo, cause he's a really nice guy.. He's himself, and not be different for the sake of being different.. He's not fake, that's it..

Selamat Hari Raya

"Kepada para muslimin dan muslimat,
Arynne disini ingin mengambil kesempatan untuk mengucapkan Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, maaf zahir dan batin. Ingin jugak meminta maaf jikalau ada silap salah atau terkasar bahasa. Harap diampun kan segala silap Arynne semasa perkenalan dan persahabatan kita dan halalkan makan minum Arynne selama ini. Sekali lagi Arynne ingin mengucapkan Selamat Hari Raya, maaf zahir dan batin.."

So since this is the hari raya season, and also because i already asked for forgiveness, I'm not gonna write posts that will make people mad. Of course, i also won't write about the emo dude cause SOMEONE don't like it though i don't know why he's acting that way.. HE don't have to tell me, but i can sense it when HE sent me sarcastic text messages after reading a CERTAIN post in my blog.. I'm not gonna say who he is though, and even if you guessed it right, you didn't hear it from me.. *smirk*

This hari raya season is kinda rushed, don't you think so.. Well, maybe it's just for my family. During the yesteryear, it's easy to predict my mom's off days cause it's fixed on Saturday and Sunday but now that she's already working in a hotel, her off days are unpredictable and sometimes she still need to work during the holiday. Therefore, we couldn't find time to spring clean to a crisp. We did everything last minute.. For the last two days of the fasting month, my mom took urgent leave so that we could 'operate' on the house.
Not only that, but hari raya is no more fun.. Firstly of course we, the adult child, won't get anymore 'duit raya'. Haha, so thick-skinned.. Secondly, cause it's not the holiday month so, after one day of celebration, we have to go back to school straight the next day..

Monday 23rd October 2006, it was of course the first day of school! Haha, i know it's stupid!! I still went anyway though.. So sweet, my friends missed me.. I don't know, haha my friends kinda commented on my outfit.. They said I'm morphing into someone different.. Well, here's the thing.. First semester, i dressed 'subtle goth' and they kinda thought I'm into ritual and stuffs.. Of course, on occasions i do still wear a normal top and jeans with my converse shoes..
Then, on the second semester, they said i dressed more punk/punk rock.. Jeesh, i don't know where they get the idea from.. I feel like I'm wearing the same thing everyday.. *wonder* Hmm, maybe cause everything's black, that's why.. Haha
Now, the third semester, they said I'm more emo-inspired.. Like what the hell!? From goth to emo, what a huge jump!! Well, i guess i did dress a little 'classic emo' on my first day.. Black and white concept.. But still, they have no rights to judge me, yeah? Whatever.. Hua hua..

First day of Raya, 24th October 2006, Tuesday was okay.. Everybody's wearing 'kain Songket' this year.. Violet cut her hair, and it's cute.. As usual, in the morning of Hari Raya, i was woken up by the banging on my door. Yeah, you guessed it.. It's my mom.. She told me to get up and help her cook and arrange the cookies in the tupperware.. After that, she told me to help her arrange flowers in the vase, which she then asked me to iron the 'baju kurung'.. While she mopped the floor and went to the market to buy drinks and ice, i took a short nap cause i was so freaking tired!! When she reached home, i need to wake up cause i need to help her with the finishing touches of the decorations.
well of course, after that my mom started nagging cause her son wouldn't wake up to help and didn't go for hari raya prayers.. Haha, it's the same old routine every year during hari raya..

I think around 12noon, after everything is done and my mom's watching malay shows on tele, i took my shower of course.. It was one of those showers where you already soap your body but you still feel the dust on your hands and your face, so you soap and shampoo one more time.. Haha, i think i soap around 3 to 4 times.. Here's the thing, i hate dust.. I get all sneezy and itchy once I'm in contact with dust, that's why i need to do all i can so i won't feel dusty.. Tee hee..
After bathing, i switched on both the air-con and the fan so i won't have to sweat in my baju kurung.. My Yishun neighbourhood is kinda close-packed, that's why it's hard for the wind to enter our house, so when it's so humid out there, it's even stuffier inside the house..
While waiting for Violet's family to come, i was wear my new emo-inspired black and white striped heeled pumps.. Haha, not 'jakun', just trying to make it seasoned so it's more comfortable for me to walk in.. Little did i know what's in store for me.. Violet came and made-up for me, cause i can never wear the eyeshadow right..
Well, when i asked for forgiveness from my mom, i can't hold back my tears.. And when i asked from my auntie, my tears just took its own sweet time to roll down my cheek.. Of course, having a huge ego i don't want people to see that I'm getting too emotional.. So i ran in my room and wiped my tears.. Well, we kinda got home late and i have school at 8am, so i bathed and then straightaway went to sleep.. Hugging my MattSander, i fell asleep just as soon as my head touched the pillow..

Oh yah, wanna know about my emo shoes.. Haha, well when i first wear it, it was loose.. VERY comfortable.. After a few trips, it became tighter.. Kinda weird, i thought shoes will become bigger when we wear them and walk in them but my shoes became SMALLER! I think my feet gained weight..

Haha, at the end of the day my feet was in excruciating pain, i was bare-footed while waiting for the cab to go home..

I'm about to blow, i don't think you know..

Tomorrow is a start of a new school year. New semester, new teachers, new subjects, or even new classmates.. Tell you the truth, I'm still in a holiday mood and I'm not ready to go to school yet! All the nagging of the teacher's, homework being shoved at our faces.. Rushed assignments, common tests.. Such chaos shouldn't be given to us on Hari Raya eve! Oh by the way, i got into Sociology class.. I hope it rock as hard as my psychology class.. Tee hee..

Well, was spring cleaning with my mom when suddenly my phone rang.. Guess who it was! You guessed it! That hot emo dude, Alex! Haha, you have no idea how excited i was, i think my voice was shaking a bit.. Jeesh, what is wrong with me!? Like seriously, whenever i see an emo punk dude that i think is really hot, I'll get all weak in the knees.. This have got to stop..

Anywayz, Alex wanted to hang out and of course i said yes.. Haha, who wouldn't say yes to him! Whatever.. He was jamming with his band mates so i kinda tagged along.. They told me to sing but of course, i said no.. I can't sing, i mean i can sing but not good.. I'm a terrible singer! If my life depended on my singing voice, i might as well commit suicide.. Kinda weird though, my family is full of singers but i guess i missed the singing genes.. Why does everything have got to skip me? My daddy's artistic skills, my family's singing genes, and my mom's big eyes genes! Grr, why why why! Haha, but whatever you know.. I love myself and it's all good! Hua hua..

I learn a new thing about Alex! He plays the guitar.. Woo, I'm a sucker for guitar players.. Most guys I'm interested in or ever dated plays the guitar.. Mikael plays the guitar, Ryan, Tim (my other ex), etc etc.. Now Alex is the new addition to my list of hot guitar players..

I think Alex's band mates knows that i have a crush on him cause they left Alex and me alone in the freaking room. "Gee, thanx alot you guys, i appreciate it.. " *rolls eyes* Yes people, I'm being sarcastic.. I mean, come on.. How could they do this to me?! I get a little shy when I'm near someone i like, and i think i might have blushed a little when he's talking. I kinda liked the attention he gave me.. Which girl doesn't like attention right? Well we kinda talked for a while, and he gets a little touchy.. Okay, not a little but ALOT! I don't know where he heard about my neck being my sweet spot but hey, i ain't complaining.. His lip ring got kinda chilled in the air-conditioned room and it send chills down my spine when he kissed my neck.. Jeesh, what's up with guys and the neck move.. He kinda got cheeky and start whispering stuffs to me.. I've got to say he's pushing all the right buttons.. I like it! Haha.. We kinda got in the moment and with all the stuffs going on, i guess it's appropriate.. We got into a lip lock, not just a peck mind you.. Like a full on tonsil hockey, with tongues and all.. Haha, i didn't wanna stop seriously but I'm not gonna get into details about what we did after that.. *winks winks*

Well anywayz, the band mates caught us hanky pankying around.. I think i was beet red when they caught us red-handed but who the hell cares.. Hua hua.. The sweet thing is, Alex gave me a kiss when i was leaving.. "That's nice Alex.. I like you.. I mean, i had a great day with you.." Haha..

Whatever you know, it's nice not being in a relationship. I can be my old self again.. Do what i used to do, with whoever i want and not hurt anyone in the process.. "Welcome back Arynne!"

Emos are human too..

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A post to Angel.. read this!

Jeesh, i don't know what the big fuck is, you know.. I mean, it was just harmless fun.. I don't know why people keep attacking me about what Ryan did.. It was just a joke, get over it.. It's not as if i sleep around or anything..

"You know what Angel, i don't know what you're so upset about.. We were on a break! You can't judge me for what i did during that time! What about you.. You say you don't flirt around, didn't play behind my back, this and that but only God (whichever one exists, i don't really care) knows what you really did..

You put me in a spot, you know that.. You know how i felt for you, but you don't really care, do you? Here's one person i really like and wanna be with but he hurt me so much when he said his feelings for me changed.. Saying that, you offer no more explanations or whatsoever and you expect me to know what you mean? I've always thought you were a more sensible person after knowing how screwed up your exs were.. You promised not to hurt me, but you did.. I hopefully thought we could work things out but after you said that, the situation took a turn for the worse, didn't it?

I didn't think of our relationship, or what was left of our relationship, to just be a summer fling or holiday fun for me.. I honesty thought that it would be much longer.. Not to the extend of settling down, but much longer than just one and a half month.. What do you expect me to do? Sit down, do nothing and cry for you.. I did okay.. Ask Sally, i did cry for you.. You have no idea how much it hurts me saying those words.. But what's the point of begging you not to leave if you don't wanna be with me..

Since you feel trapped and tormented, then what's the point of me asking you to stay? Why won't you answer me? You never did.. Now, you judge me for something that possibly won't happen again.. Ryan Ryan Ryan, is that you can attack me for? So it's all my fault then that our relationship blows, huh??

You keep saying we have a problem, but you never want to talk about it.. You isolate yourself and leave me alone to wonder to questions which i will never get answers to.. You say I'm being unfair to you, but are you being fair to me by making me feel alone and threatened?? What's the point of making a relationship work if you can't talk to me about the problems WE'RE having..

Just think what you want.. I know i tried to make the relationship work.. I did, i really did.."

I'm so over that dude..

"When you start caring for someone so much, you'll get scared of losing that person and even the most secure person will get insecure.." Make sense, doesn't it? You see, Angel never understood how he and the relationship affected me..

Truthfully, i never saw how incompatible we were before problems starts appearing.. Come to think of it, i don't think we know one another well enough to know if we're perfect for each other.. Of course, the first few weeks of relationship is sweet as it's the 'honeymoon period' but after that, problems after problems started to pile up and it's so huge that someone have to end it.. I have my attitude problems and my tantrums, while he.. Just plain egoistic.. What's done is done you know.. Whatever, get over it..

I don't know about you girls, but i DO NOT want to be with someone who have no more feelings for me.. Even if he says he's TRYING his best to fix US, once someones feelings have changed towards you, there's is NO point in even TRYING.. You get what i mean? Yeah okay so he have his issues to work on, but it's selfish for him to make me wait when he offers no explanations as to WHY he's acting that way.. I wouldn't put the whole blame on him anyway, cause i guess it is too my fault..

Anywayz, i think it's no secret anymore that me and Angel are no longer together.. I mean, with both of us being stubborn it's bound to happen right? Of course i was sad.. Did i cry? Let's be honest, which girl wouldn't? Yeah i did, for about TEN SECONDS and after that i was surprisingly alright.. I do miss him and think about him sometimes but i keep myself busy from having those kinda thoughts.. "What's the point of thinking about him when you know he's not doing the same thing?" Keep that in mind and you'll be fine.. Hey, I'm feeling great with all my friend around me, giving me support.. Seriously though, i don't think the relationship is long enough to have an impact on me.. I thought i will feel devastated and crushed, but well, I'm not.. Thank you very much friends..

Been going out late at night for the past few days.. Just hanging out with Ryan and the rest of the gang.. Well, I've been talking about Ryan right.. This hot guy with tattoos and piercings.. Big, tall, good with hands and got good tongue.. Haha, yeah the guy that like me.. Well i like him too actually but the reason why i rejected him is because i treasure the friendship too much to risk losing it.. I mean, if we ever breaks up, i don't think the friendship will ever be the same.. Agreed? But i think i should give him the date i promised him that is long overdue.. "Yes Ryan, i accept your date.. Surprise me okay! You know how i LOVE surprises.." Haha he's pretty cheeky too.. He knows how i love playing with ice and that my neck is my weakest spot.. "Okay Ryan, i admit it.. I love the thing you did.." Yeah, he actually have ice in his mouth when he was nibbling and biting on my neck.. Haha, the sensation just flows down your spine and it's a nice feeling.. Girls you get what i mean? Tee hee..

Went to my cousin house for break fast yesterday.. After break fast, we were just chilling and talking.. I loved what Lisa (my cousin's girlfriend) did to her hair! Violet told me to do it too since my hair is all layered and stuffs, but i refused to colour my hair again! I used to have jet black hair but I've been colouring it so much that my black hair just refused to return.. Regret colouring it man! Sheesh! Anyway, Violet called me 'belo' cause i tried to straighten my already super straight hair.. I was like "Eh, why no difference.." The answer was so obvious and that was why i got called 'retarded' by my cousin.. After that played Monopoly and watch 'Prison Break' before i went home to chill with myself.. Haha

My friends are the best.. Firstly i would of course like to thank Sally! She's the best.. She's the first one there for me to talk to and actually listened to me cried.. "Welcome to the club.. AGAIN", she said.. Truth be told, I'm so glad to be in the club again and i may actually gonna be in there for quite a while.. Haha.. "Sally Sally, you're the only person who actually convinced me that being single is so much better.." Well, what more can i ask for.. I have a girlfriend who will never complain about me bitching about the same guy problems over and over again.. Who's actually there comforting me even if it's like two in the morning.. "Love you Sally!"

OJ and Violet.. Of course, my two favourite cousins.. OJ is actually my cousin's boyfriend but they're always together that i practically thought of him as my 'cousin-in-law'.. I think they should just get married since they're hopelessly in love with each other.. Haha, weird..
OJ is a great guy.. "You rock lah dude!" He knows that I'm actually looking for that perfect someone who will sweep me off my feet, but he made a very good point.. "Don't look for it, just let it happen.." He's actually right you know.. I think the more you keep looking for 'THE ONE', the longer it will take for you to find him.. Well, I'm not looking alright but I'll definitely keep my eyes open for that potential 'Sir KillsAlot'.. "Thanx eh dude for rubbing it in my face, about me screwing up my relationship with Mikael.."

Mikael is my ex.. I have to say he is a much better boyfriend to me than Angel ever was.. I did the stupidest mistake by fucking up the relationship.. He's being the nicest by forgiving me and still treat me like a bestfriend.. He's a perfect boyfriend actually, only on occasion where he'll pick soccer and friends over you but it's totally not his fault.. Past relationship aside, he's a really great friend.. Even now, he'll listen to my problems without judging.. "Thanx for accompanying me the other night when i just needed someone to be by my side.. You were there, no complains, no whatsoever.."

Boi, he'll make me laugh no matter how screwed up i feel inside.. Even though his jokes are most of the time lame, it's fun just to laugh AT him.. He's ALWAYS with his 'sendok' joke, and he can be a little deaf sometimes.. When i say something, he'll hear another thing.. "Hey, how's your brother? Haha, kidding kidding.." He thinks I'm crazy.. Crazy as in mental hospital crazy.. You see, whenever the conversation became a little quiet, i began to laugh for no apparent reason.. I think he's scared of me.. Anywayz, thanx Boi for making me laugh..

Well my life is actually very blessed.. Should be grateful for it.. Hate to admit it, but i love my life even though how dysfunctional it is..

All names have been changed to protect the identity of the innocents.. Haha, love you guys!

My visit to the dentist..

I don't know if it's a childhood experience or just because, but i hate dentist.. There's just something creepy about them, don't you think so? They wear this mask which make them look very mysterious.. With that white coat of them and those latex gloves.. It's like they have some unfinished evil intentions or maybe it's just my imaginations..

I think i watched too much Chinese movies where the dentists turned out to be serial killers.. Haha, i should stop scaring myself, i know.. It's just those tools they use for your teeth. They look like tools used to torture people, especially that hook thingy.. I've always hated that tool..

Quite frankly, the trip to the dentist isn't that bad.. My stomach turned when i first step into the office.. When i saw the dentist, i kinda chilled down a little..

"The dentist is kinda cute.. A bit older than me, but still cute", i thought to myself. He directed me to the chair and with a smile he said, "Don't worry, I'll be gentle". Woo! Haha, what a way to make a girl calm down.. With that said, i lay down on the chair and with a twinkle in his eyes, he told me to "open up". It's just something in his voice that serene me down.

Whoever when for polishing before knows that they use this water suction thingy.. The dentist kinda slide it inside my mouth, i wasn't really aware about it so i kinda gagged a little.. "Put it wherever comfortable for you", he said.. He's so professional.. AND CUTE! Haha..

So he started 'operating' on my teeth and i let loose.. There's just something about the thought of having guy's fingers in your mouth that is so hot.. He started off very gentle and kinda mindful of my gums, but in the middle of the process he started going rough and i think he bruised my gum a little.. But i don't mind, i like my guys going rough on me.. Tie me up on a bed post and spank me, I'll be a happy lady.. Hua hua

Jeesh, this is supposed to be my experience to the dentist and I'm telling everybody about how i like my sexual preferences.. It's kinda connected somehow.. It's weird that whatever the dentist said, sounds so suggestive.. Whatever it is, he's a good dentist.. "Tell me if it hurts", he said.

It's just a 20-30 mins process and when it ended, i was like "izzit over already??". Come to think of it, there's actually nothing scary about going to the dentist.. It was all in my mind, i mean come on.. How many dentist you know actually turn out to be rapist or killers??

Anyway what more can i ask for in a dentist.. He's professional, gentle, caring, and of course.. CUTE! A little rough but that's just the way i like it.. *winks*

I'll give you my dirty little secrets..

Here it is, something I've never done before.. I'm gonna reveal to all of you out there who reads my blog my secrets.. Well, it's not really secrets.. It's just some embarrassing stuffs which i hope people won't have to find out.. Since I'm nearly 20, i just gotta live with it.. So here goes..

Where do i begin?? I'm not too sure.. Haha, my fears?? My embarrassing moments?? I don't know.. I'll just start with my fears of stuffs and then I'll just continue from there.. Tee hee..

Rodent-
I think girls will agree with me when i say RATS ARE DISGUSTING!! I HATE rats!! Hate still doesn't describe how much i despise rats.. They're disgusting.. Not just rats but whoever is in the rodent family.. Hamster?? Possum?? Mice!! Argh! I hate them all.. There's no particular reason why I'm afraid of them, i just do.. Even a small little mousy can cause so much damage, imagine what they can do when they're with their cliques!! Ew, i don't wanna know! They're full of diseases and their high pitch squeak is so irritating! IRRITATING!! Their long snouts and stupid whiskers and super long tail.. EWW!!! I get goosebumps just talking about those diseased rodents.. Bluergh!!

Lizards-
I don't naturally hate reptiles cause i like crocodiles and alligators.. Lizards just freak me out so much.. Even if the lizard is within 10 feet from me, I'll flee.. I wasn't always afraid of lizards but in one incidence this lizard was crawling on my wall.. I got irritated so i kinda sprayed it with insecticide so it crawled much more faster and kinda hide in the corner of my cornice or something.. I didn't see where it went so i just sprayed the insecticide over the cornice and haha coincidentally the freaking lizard got out and stared at me.. Like the lizard really stared at me with the evil look in that huge eyes.. It was scary.. So i sprayed the insecticide into its eyes and it jumped onto the floor and practically chased me!! Damn that lizards man! I was shouting so hard and my mom kinda rescued me.. Haha, yes my mom is the hero here.. Well after that day, i stay away from lizards!! Like really stay away! If there's a lizard in the bathroom, I'll splash the evil thing with hot water.. I'll laugh as i watch it squirm in pain.. Lizards are evil so we shouldn't be nice to them.. They should all burn in hell.. Ew..

MattSanders-
I think in some of my post and most of the survey bulletin i posted, i mention alot about this MattSanders.. Well, MattSanders is my most trusted and my most beloved.. MattSander have been there for me through thick and thin.. When I'm sad, MattSander will always be there for me as he wiped away all my tears.. He keeps me warm at night and keeps me company when I'm lonely.. I love him and he loves me.. He won't judge me no matter how wrong i am.. Most importantly, he'll NEVER break my heart.. No, MattSanders is not another guy I'm crushing on, nor is he a pet.. He's not even a living thing.. Well, here goes.. It's a PILLOW!! Haha, my 'bantal bucuk'.. This is so embarrassing.. Haha I'm nearly 20 but i still have a favourite pillow.. I never go anywhere without him.. Campings, sleepovers, or even watching television in the living room, he's there!! Haha, my mom raped him before.. My mom stripped him and washed him.. I got back from school and see my MattSanders naked!! Of course i got pissed cause he'll no longer smell like me but instead smell of 'Softlan'.. I told my mom to never touch him again! Imagine how scared he must have been with me not there to protect him as my mom savagely stole him of his innocence!! Haha, okay now i sound so freaky.. Even my cousin, Violet kidnapped him before.. I mean come on, leave my MattSanders alone! What wrong have he done, he just wanna make me happy!! Oh dear, i need counseling..

Peeing-
Here comes the embarrassing part.. When i was young, i can't control my bladder! When i need to go, i need to go.. I can't wait for 'a few more minutes'.. Well, whenever i need to go and if there's someone in the bathroom and i HAVE to wait, i do this stupid dance so my bladder won't burst.. You have to see it to believe it.. My cousins always tease me because of that, even now.. They'll still laugh at me..
There was one time when i was 9 or 10 years old.. Violet and i always go to playgrounds cause it's just across the streets and we know EVERYONE there.. We were going to the playground for goodness sake! She was wearing a dress, no not a short one that will atleast be so much better.. You know, the long flowy dress.. Haha, well we were riding this rocking horse thingy and she being adventurous and stuff tries to jump over the horse and then it happened.. Her dress kinda got stuck on the horse's head and she was just left hanging there crying for help.. I've helped her if i can but i was busy laughing.. Like really laughing out LOUD! You see, when i laugh out loud like that, two things will happen.. Either i will start tearing or my bladder got weak.. Yeah, you guessed it.. I have to pee after that but i can't run to the house cause i was still busy laughing and then something happen.. GUESS WHAT! Haha, i peed at the playground.. It was an accident okay so don't judge me! Haha, yeah so i kinda ran as fast as i can to change and went back to the playground.. I never learn! Sheesh

Skanking-
Before i start on this secret, I'd like to apologize to all my fellow Goths and Black Metallists.. I'm gonna say this with my head hang down so low cause I'm ashamed of what i did.. Really.. I skanked.. "Boo, Arynne!!" I know, i shouldn't do it and I'm really sorry..
Well, you all gotta admit it.. Skanking is a happy happy dance.. I was doing my java project and this one part of the project really sucked.. So my cousin kinda troubleshoot it for me, and i couldn't contain myself when the java project actually worked! I got happy and i skanked.. Without me knowing.. But i regret doing it.. Sorry.. Haha

Yeah so, there you go.. Now people know much more about me.. Embarrassing but i just gotta live with it.. I think i still have more secrets but i can't remember them.. When i do, I'll definitely post it in my blog..

Haha, now i feel so vulnerable after i told you people my secrets but well.. Whatever! Haha..

We both know the day will come, but i don't wanna leave you..

I know it's unfair of me to call him a liar without even knowing the full story.. Judging him for things which he POSSIBLY may not have done, was all the reasons for him to leave.. Like i said, i always sabotage my own happiness.. I think i concentrate on being happy and having a perfect relationship that i don't even see how imperfect the relationship really is.. Wolverine made a really good point, maybe the problem lies with me.. "You know what Wolv, i think you're absolutely right.. Though you prefer not to interfere, but i really thank you for listening to my crap.."

Letting my pride get in the way, I'd rather jeopardize the relationship i have with Angel rather than admitting my mistakes.. I realize how wrong I've been now but izzit too late? It's stupid of me to let my ego get in the way of perfecting the things i had going with Angel..

I think i had it all wrong.. I thought i was already letting go but instead I'm protecting myself even more.. I seriously can say I've fallen in love with Angel, and that's what got me so scared.. Here's the reason why.. Everytime i started falling in love with that someone, he'd leave.. I'm so scared that Angel will do the same thing to me that i developed a defense mechanism so that i will not get hurt..

Boy, was i wrong! Instead of being protected by it, the plan backfired on me and once again, i hurt myself in the process..

I didn't mean for Angel to be in the position that he's in right now, it doesn't feel great at all.. Am i being selfish by asking him to stay with me? If he's feeling so tormented and emotionally raped by being with me, then what's the point of me holding onto him? I don't wanna let him go, cause i cant.. My heart don't wanna leave him but if he tells me that he'll be much happier without me in the picture, then i guess yeah, i reluctantly but surely will set him free..

"If you love someone let him go, and if he does comes back then he's meant to be yours.." I don't know which person say this but i guess he or she is probably right.. Sometimes being selfless is the only way to go.. I can't be selfish and make him stay with me if he's not gonna be happy.. What's the point of YOU being happy if you're hurting your loved one on the way? You have to do what you have to do, you know..

The more i think about it, the more i wish i could push stop and hit rewind.. Haha, how naive.. This is the real world and what's done cannot be undone.. Trying to protect myself, i hurt the person i love most, Angel. How stupid and selfish can i be? "If i were to apologize a thousand times, will it make the problems all better?" Hardly, this isn't some fairy tales where all endings are happy endings..

If i were given another chance, i will never sabotage myself again.. I will never hurt Angel the way i did now..  And if i were to be given another chance, i will definitely treasure the relationship much more, be more appreciative of Angel..

I really wanna make the relationship with Angel work.. I feel that it's worth taking the risks, BUT DO I HAVE A SAY IN THIS?
Whatever Angel's decision is, i guess i have no other choice but to respect it.. But it's okay, I'm used to giving up my own happiness for someone else.. Yes, I'll be honest.. I will be terribly heartbroken if he chooses to leave me but I'll move on.. May be a few days, a few weeks or even a few months but I'll make it..

"Thank you dear Angel for always being there.. Thank you for not judging my ever so dysfunctional family.. Thank you for accepting my family, my friends and me.. You're the best thing that have ever happened to me in years, but i guess I'm not even worth the love you gave me.. If you have made your decision to leave, I'll say one thing to you right now.. You will always be on my mind.. I will always be right beside you cheering you on and supporting your every goals and every dreams.. Just know that for every love you lost and every problems you have, I'll be with you every step of the way.. Thank you once again.. For everything.. You'll always be my Angel of Darkness.. Take care dear.."