Somewhere life is good, things go as they should

I have bruises and scratches on my leg. My left wrist feels like it's being ripped out of my arm and it burns like fuck. It's not moving as well right now and I'm trying to type out this blog with just my right hand.

Gah, you people are probably thinking what happened to me. There's nothing to worry about, I'm okay. I just fell off the roof and i tried to break my fall with my hands so i wouldn't land on my face. And then i heard a loud crack.

Lol, did i just say fell off the roof? I didn't mean straight to the first floor by the way. Was walking on the ledge of the roof and i lost my balance. Aren't i lucky to fall on the roof floor instead! I won't complain if i really did fall over.

The balloon trick totally didn't work, well for my case anyway. Alistair should know what I'm talking about, but for the rest of you. Don't bother asking, I'm not gonna say.

I like going to the rooftop. It's peaceful, quiet and of course, very high.

These few nights, i finally realized why i love going up there so much.

You know the feeling of freedom? When you stand on the edge of the roof ledge, looking up with your eyes closed. You just let the win take over your mind, your body and your soul. You feel as if your problems are being lifted and you can actually see your problems drifting away with the wind. You feel free, as if you've been reborn.

Of course, that freedom will be savagely taken away from you once you open your eyes and making your way back home. And unfortunately for me, I'm not even clumsy enough to lose my footing while I'm on it.

Hmmz, maybe i should stand in closer towards the edge. What do you think? I'm just waiting for someone to push me over the edge cause i know i wouldn't have the courage to jump off on my own accord. Yeah, I'm a coward that way. Whatever

Being at home and having nothing to look forward to in the morning is way depressing than having My Chemical Romance singing to the song Helena. Like seriously, I'd rather listen to the guys in the lab scream and shout to each other while playing LAN games. Calling each other Herpes, Zipper and Your Prick.

Seriously, that's how bored i am during holidays. Not to mention, I'm also broke. Loser.

I feel lonely. Empty is more appropriate right now.

There's really no one that i can truly depend on. Family? Ha, it was never there. Sure i have a dad, a mom and a brother but neither are there enough to care about what's going on. School? It's stressing the fuck out of me and certain schoolmates are pissing me off! Friends? Yeah, i have friends. Love them to bits infact. But think about it, reality check, i can't expect them to be there for me 24/7. They have their own lives to lead, own problems to take care of.

I've got no money, no job, no status, no boyfriend. There's absolutely nothing for me to feel proud of.

I just feel chocked. No, not on the Rob problem alone. Just that I've been keeping every little problems to myself thinking that I'm programmed to take care of my own problems, of myself.

Everything just escalates into one big gigantic unsolvable matter and it's eating on my energy and my will bit by bit.

Everyone expects something from me, some even depended on me but sometimes i feel like there's just too much of it for me to handle alone. There are times when i feel like giving up but thinking about all the people that i will disappoint with that one careless and selfish decision, i just suck it up and give all that i have even if it means going over my breaking point.

I hate seeing my loved ones disappointed. It doesn't matter if I'm the one who got hurt, if I'm the one being let down. I don't care, just not the ones i care about.

Just trying to live up to that expectations they have of me wears me out completely to a point of me feeling like I'm breaking down. To a point where i don't see a reason for me to live anymore, to the extend of begging this God you all speak of to not let me wake up in the morning.

I've lost all faith, and hope and the will to carry on cause i feel like everything and everyone is attacking me all at once.

I'm just really tired. Too tired.

Have you ever wished you can just run away and start anew?

One day i wanna wake up and be at a place where no one knows who i am. Where my past don't matter.

Wake up and forget everything about my past and start afresh.

White picket fences with flower gardens ever blooming, never withering. Perfect skies, green meadows and the bluest ocean ever seen. Where everyone knows everybody and conflicts are non-existent. A place where everyone cares for one another, love and protect each other.

Just a peaceful, serene, almost surreal place. Perfect, just perfect.

That place is probably just in my dreams. Oh well.

If that fails, i just lose 40kg and weigh less than Nicole Richie's pinky finger. Get as much tattoos as my scrawny, bony frame can carry. Get double d breast implants, a nose job, fangs and grey contact lenses. Join the circus and be their main attraction for the freakshow.

Hey either way, I'll still stay a loser. Bye!